Tag Archives: confusing signs

Missing!

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Pretend that this post is pasted to a lampost and that the title is followed by “WANTED! DEAD OR . . . ” Well, just WANTED, because a letter isn’t alive. Which is not to say that a letter can’t be important. Take a look at this sign, which my granddaughter’s friend spotted:

Nice to know we’re CLOSE, whoever WE is. I can’t help wondering how CLOSE: Do we share every thought? Our streaming passwords? A toothbrush? And if WE’RE actually CLOSE, why can’t we see each other today? Must we wait until TOMORROW? (I’m ignoring U. Text-spelling has invaded every medium, like the Borg in the Star Trek universe. Resistance is futile.)

Also missing a letter is this place:

Like most eateries in Manhattan, this spot had so little room that Never Close was never true. With only a slight stretch, a diner at this Diner could easily snag a french fry from the next table. Did you notice the past-tense verbs? The Diner closed a couple of years ago.

If you’re a fan of animated films, here’s a business that might interest you:

In addition to a Tel-Fax number (abbreviated for privacy), this company provides direct-line contact information for two Cels. What’s a Cel? A crossword-puzzle creator’s favorite word (or an animation frame).

That’s it for today. Or, in keeping with the theme of this post, That’s it for toda.

How’s That Again?

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I was on a train recently with a seatmate who delighted in telling me — through New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, and part of Maryland — that he wanted to be perfectly clear. Though I’d have preferred silence, I must give him credit: I understood exactly what he was trying to tell me. The same is not true for these signs:

What makes a Palm Special? If I were the sort of person who expected (or was ever offered) a bribe, a neatly folded hundred-dollar bill discreetly tucked into a Palm would be Special to me. What’s your take on Special Palm?

If you felt anxious trying to figure out the previous sign, this one offers help:

My muscles tensed up when I saw muslces. It’s worth noting that this ad appeared professional. The photography and layout were top notch. Too bad the budget didn’t extend to proofreading.

This one, on the other hand, is clearly an amateur effort:

I agree that shoppers shouldn’t use bare hands to pluck PASTRIES from the bin. If I have to choose between hands and TONGUES, however, I’m going with hands.

Here’s a label that tries a little too hard to be clear:

As I shampooed my hair with this product, I wondered what the alternative to SHAMPOOING SHAMPOO is. DANCING SHAMPOO? BAKING SHAMPOO? NAIL-POLISHING SHAMPOO? Theories welcome!

Also welcome: June, with or without weddings and graduations. Enjoy the month!

Can You Describe It?

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How good are you at describing things? The people who wrote these labels, signs, and captions were — well, let’s just say they need more practice. First up is a celebrity marriage:

Harrison partially abandoned his wife? Poor Calista! Also, to prevent harm to whom? And how long does it take to vacuum an 800-acre home?

My friend Catherine sent me this one:

She doesn’t have an INDOOR CHICKEN. Her cats, on the other hand, might enjoy this product, whether it’s made from INDOOR or outdoor CHICKEN. And FORMULA? What does that mean in this context, other than expensive?

This sign makes me shiver:

Do you have a CITIZEN who needs DISPOSAL? I sincerely hope not, but if you do, this FACILITY is for you! (FYI: It’s posted at the entrance to the country dump.)

Many New York apartment buildings have doormen, who, presumably, are the intended customers for this business:

I’d always assumed they showered or bathed. I never imagined they put themselves through DRY CLEANING!

That’s all for today. Stay safe!

Mysteries

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No matter what else I’m reading, I always have at least one mystery novel on my nightstand. At the end of a long day of bad news — far too frequent, these days — I need to dip into an orderly world where justice prevails. Yes, I know some mysteries deviate from that pattern. I don’t read those. How do I know whether a mystery fits my criteria? I read the last page first. Real life is surprising enough! Plus, I nearly always forget the identity of the murderer by the time I get to the end of the second chapter.

When I’m out and about, I enjoy mysteries also. Sometimes they show up in an overheard comment: “He’ll do for a starter husband” (one twenty-something woman to another) and “Have you brought your business to a successful conclusion?” (dog walker to poodle). Before you ask, yes, these are real things New Yorkers said.

My favorite mysteries appear on signs. Here’s one:

No one can read this without wondering which ingredients the store won’t sell. Unethically sourced shea butter? Uranium? Magic beans? It’s a mystery.

Here’s another mysterious sign:

Let’s get practical: How does the site owner know what parents have said to their kids? Does telling children of the dangers of trespassing fulfill the parents’ obligation? (“I told you, now go and trespass if you want.”) Also, isn’t trespassing anywhere a dangerous activity? Or only on this site?

Another mystery:

I’m ignoring the subject-verb agreement error (Shower Caps should Keep, not Keeps). What I really want to know is whether there are Shower Caps that make hair wet. Also, is there a shower cap that keeps something other than HAIR DRY? Maybe there are Shower Caps for toes? Or belly buttons? Elbows, perhaps?

The mysteries presented here don’t conclude with justice triumphant, but neither do they honor the guilty. They’re just mysteries that add a little fun to my life and, I hope, to yours also.

Private Lives

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In this age of social media, you might think that nothing is private. Think again:

I do my own laundry, but if I sent it to a LAUNDRY, I’d select this store. My clothing is on the shy side and prefers not to whirl around with others’ duds.

Here’s an odd take on privacy:

I’d love to see a definition of personal hygiene practices. If they’re prohibited, must you forgo handwashing after using these Restrooms? Also, why practices? Is personal hygiene one of those skills you have to spend 10,000 hours on to perfect? I snapped this photo in 2017, so perhaps the word practices is out of date. We all learned how to wash our hands during the pandemic, didn’t we?

This Private Property requires good posture:

Somehow I thought the decision to lean or not to lean was a private matter.

On a more personal (but not private) note, I wish you and your family a happy, healthy 2026.

This Holiday Season

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Who doesn’t love the holidays? Lots of people, actually. If you’re stressed out, I have some suggestions. First of all, ignore signs like this:

If it’s NEW it can’t be a TRADITION, not if you accept the dictionary definition (“a long established custom passed from generation to generation”). Besides, you’re probably too busy to add anything NEW to your to-do list.

If you’re absolutely determined to try something NEW, here’s a possibility:

DROP-OFF your CHILD and let peace and quiet descend. Brilliant! And if the kid comes back in less-than-perfect condition, you can always go here:

After you pick up your clean, neatly folded offspring, stash them in a drawer and head to the mall. But avoid this store:

Why would you buy something at a store promising to lower the price after you’ve plunked over some cash? Be wary of this shop, too:

The 99 CENT part sounds good, but what about the PLUS? Thousand-dollar T-SHIRTS, million-dollar UNDERWEAR . . . the sky’s the limit.

That’s all the advice I have today, except for this: Find a way to enjoy whatever holidays you celebrate, and find a way to help someone who needs it. I wish you all the joy of this holiday season!

Moody Blues

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The national mood, and, I must admit, my own mood, is so down that an elevator to the sub-basement wouldn’t reach it. What to do in response? Well, you can have a serving of this:

(Photo courtesy of my friend Catherine, who prefers grape jelly and proper spelling)

Judging from the muttering and sometimes shouting of Gripe(s) I hear, this is a popular option. However justified your Gripe, though, venting your feelings is a short-term fix at best.

An alternative:

(Photo courtesy of my friend Deborah)

In my experience, inflicting the SILENT TREATMENT on others seldom yields positive results. The target may experience the silence as agreement or worse, welcome it as a peaceful interlude.

What else can you try? Here’s a tempting option:

The problem with BREAKING, REMOTE or otherwise, is that at some point you have to put the pieces back together.

One more:

I posted this photo of a New York Times headline eight years ago, commenting on the repetitive nature of the expression Failing to Succeed. (What’s the alternative — Failing to Fail? Succeeding to Success?) But now I’m focusing on Giving Compromise a Try. Not on matters of principle, of course. But maybe finding common ground around the edges of less important disagreements can lead us, and our national mood, out of the sub-basement. Perhaps as high as the basement? Surely that’s not too much to ask?

The Proofreader’s Lament

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Proofreaders make comments to writers, who are supposed to amend their text accordingly. That’s a good system — when it’s actually put into practice. Not so in these signs.

First is a sign my student Allison sent me. There’s a ton of words, but if you persevere, the last line makes the time you spent reading more than worth the effort:

If it’s still too long let me know must have been meant for the person in charge of placing labels on food, who, based on this sign, either had way too much to do or cared way too little about the finished product.

Next is a sign — one of a dozen or so — posted on West 72nd and Broadway when Pope Francis visited New York City in 2015:

Once again, it’s worth plowing through these nearly unintelligible instructions for trash pickup to arrive at the last line: he said the 4 — 12 shift. If he was Pope Francis, I commend him (posthumously) for his attention to detail.

I found this one while searching for a place to stay during a recent trip. I won’t reveal the name of the perpetrator, but I will say that it’s a major hotel chain:

The fun part of this caption appears in the center of the second line. The text indeed needs a comma, and the hotel needs to pay more attention to its advertising.

Whatever form your labors take, I wish you a Happy change to lower case Labor Day weekend.

If you know, you know . . .

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A former student of mine recently put out a call for catchphrases unique to a family. If you’re in the family, you know the meaning. If you’re not in the family, you don’t have the faintest idea what’s going on. These signs fall into the “if you know, you know” category. They make perfect sense to somebody, somewhere, but they puzzle to the rest of us. Here’s one:

What does RADIANT TUBING do? And what is it radiating — joy, sunlight, cosmic rays? Why must we BEWARE? And does BEWARE mean “don’t come within three miles of this sidewalk” or “take your piledriver somewhere else”? Theories, or better yet, actual information, welcome.

Another enigmatic ad:

I live in the sort of neighborhood where doing one’s own chores is not a given. Even so, I’m surprised that someone would hire someone else for BREAKING a REMOTE CONTROL device. In my experience, all you have to do is throw the thing at a wall. The wall generally cracks, though. Maybe that’s a reason to hire a pro?

It’s well known that some of us are not technologically literate enough to figure out an app. So it would not shock me to see a service offering help with, say, downloading, installing, and using an app. But the service offered by this sign goes a step too far:

I don’t need someone to PICK-APP for me. I can select an app all by myself!

Last one:

No, this doesn’t refer to a haircare product. It concerns parchment paper. Does anyone actually measure and cut the paper and then reinsert it for Decurling? This definitely falls into the life’s-too-short category for me. I use my hands.

Wishing you well in these dog days of summer! If your family has a catchphrase, feel free to share it.

Something’s Missing

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Every once in a while I see a sign that’s missing something: a letter, a word, a punctuation mark, or, all too often, clarity. Consider this notice, which was chalked on an old-fashioned sandwich board near the entrance to a rather fancy (i.e. expensive) food store near me:

I’ve cropped the photo, but nothing I removed answers this question: Place your party platters & cake where? The sign appeared at the beginning of a holiday season, so presumably the store was hoping for advance notice instead of a same-day request to rescue a host who invited 235 people to a celebration despite having only two olives and a bottle of champagne in the refrigerator. Which I’m pretty sure in my neighborhood is not all that rare. My sympathy is with the sign-writer, who neglected to squeeze the word “order” into the message.

This notice, which my friend Andie sent me, is missing an important definition:

I’m guessing the store doesn’t want to Refund any money to its customers. But what does Redone mean? (And why are Refund and Redone capitalized?) If I buy a salad and report that it’s a bit vinegary, for example, will the store rinse off the leaves and apply new dressing?

I’ve held onto this sign for a while, trying to decide whether it’s an insult to neighbors (RESIDENT TRASH) or an attempt to fend off TRASH that turned tourist and went sightseeing inside this bin:

Theories welcome.

I doubt I’ll ever patronize this establishment:

Some crucial information is missing from this sign: How deep are the cuts? Are we talking scalp-scrapes or decapitation? Also, do the police know?

My late husband spotted this sign some years ago, in a major-appliance store that went out of business soon after he snapped the photo:

What’s missing from this label, of course, is a list of the food that comes with — w/ — this Refrigerator. Is it stuffed with macadamia nuts and caviar or leftovers from the manager’s lunch?

All joking aside, we’re all missing something these days. Whatever you’re missing, I hope you find it!