In this age of social media, you might think that nothing is private. Think again:
I do my own laundry, but if I sent it to a LAUNDRY, I’d select this store. My clothing is on the shy side and prefers not to whirl around with others’ duds.
Here’s an odd take on privacy:
I’d love to see a definition of personal hygiene practices. If they’re prohibited, must you forgo handwashing after using these Restrooms? Also, why practices? Is personal hygiene one of those skills you have to spend 10,000 hours on to perfect? I snapped this photo in 2017, so perhaps the word practices is out of date. We all learned how to wash our hands during the pandemic, didn’t we?
This Private Property requires good posture:
Somehow I thought the decision to lean or not to lean was a private matter.
On a more personal (but not private) note, I wish you and your family a happy, healthy 2026.
A former student of mine recently put out a call for catchphrases unique to a family. If you’re in the family, you know the meaning. If you’re not in the family, you don’t have the faintest idea what’s going on. These signs fall into the “if you know, you know” category. They make perfect sense to somebody, somewhere, but they puzzle to the rest of us. Here’s one:
What does RADIANT TUBING do? And what is it radiating — joy, sunlight, cosmic rays? Why must we BEWARE? And does BEWARE mean “don’t come within three miles of this sidewalk” or “take your piledriver somewhere else”? Theories, or better yet, actual information, welcome.
Another enigmatic ad:
I live in the sort of neighborhood where doing one’s own chores is not a given. Even so, I’m surprised that someone would hire someone else for BREAKING a REMOTE CONTROL device. In my experience, all you have to do is throw the thing at a wall. The wall generally cracks, though. Maybe that’s a reason to hire a pro?
It’s well known that some of us are not technologically literate enough to figure out an app. So it would not shock me to see a service offering help with, say, downloading, installing, and using an app. But the service offered by this sign goes a step too far:
I don’t need someone to PICK-APP for me. I can select an app all by myself!
Last one:
No, this doesn’t refer to a haircare product. It concerns parchment paper. Does anyone actually measure and cut the paper and then reinsert it for Decurling? This definitely falls into the life’s-too-short category for me. I use my hands.
Wishing you well in these dog days of summer! If your family has a catchphrase, feel free to share it.
What’s the opposite of “mass marketing” — the attempt to reach as many customers as possible and (unofficially) to bloat my email spam folder? I’m calling it “tiny marketing” — the attempt to reach a specific sort of consumer. Very specific.
Take this store, for example:
I was not surprised to see a going-out-of-business sign show up in the window of this shop. After all, they were marketing to one KID (indicated by the apostrophe’s position before the S) instead of to all AMERICAN KIDS, for which they’d need to place the apostrophe after the S.
The audience for this sign is also rather small:
Opera singers who are into DUMPING GARBAGE into an ARIA — how many can there be?
I truly don’t know how many vehicles this sign addresses:
Question: When you’re riding on ALT BUSES, what sort of alt rock is piped in? May I suggest Nirvana and the Foo Fighters? Maybe a little U2?
This product could have wide appeal, but somehow I doubt it:
I’m not sure I’d ever want my portrait painted, but if I did, I wouldn’t want Abraham Lincoln looming over me. I’d rather be in a canvas by myself.
One last photo, with no-question-about-it mass appeal:
Unless you want Shower Caps that ensure wet hair, this product’s for you. I imagine that’s all of us. I know that’s all for this post. Happy first day of summer!
“Don’t tell me what to do!” I’ve said that a few times — sometimes screamed it! Thus you can imagine my reaction to these signs, which give commands I have no intention of obeying.
This one comes from a supermarket, where it hovered over a display of creamed corn:
The supermarket seems to be issuing a command to shoppers: “Don’t buy these! Can your own Vegetables instead!” Side point: If I did can vegetables, I probably wouldn’t be able to hit the rather small weight range specified in the sign.
Here’s another ill-advised command:
How do you Freshly Squeeze Organic Orange Juice? Does the Juice have private parts which you can’t Squeeze without being accused of acting Freshly? And if you Squeeze Juice, Organic or otherwise, don’t you end up with a mess, moisture and pulp flying everywhere?
Another command:
The definition of HANDICAP as a verb — for commands are imperative verbs — is “to impede” or “to make a task more difficult to do.” How do you HANDICAP an ENTRANCE? By placing sand in the hinges? Laying a speed bump in the doorway? Side (but important) point: I’d substitute “ACCESSIBLE” for HANDICAP. I’d also specify ON THE OTHER SIDE of what.
The first three signs are missing a D or an ED or an ED plus other letters. This last sign, which appeared on a van belonging to a renovation company, adds ED unnecessarily:
I’m not sure why a van, clearly transporting construction materials to a job, proclaims that it’s FINISHED PAINTING & CARPENTRY. Then again, lots of people complain that their contractor extends the work period to infinity. So perhaps a statement that they’ve FINISHED a job is smart advertising.
Here’s a command to you: Have a lovely Memorial Day, but pause a moment to think about the many, many Americans who have given their lives to preserve democracy, both here and overseas.
Travel is enlightening — but also befuddling. Having just returned from vacation, I’m reliving my adventures by examining signs I spotted during this trip and others. I find myself more confused than ever. Here’s a sign posted on the window of a school in Venice:
Three lines are simple to decode: They teach English, French, and German. But what’s Inglese Postcoloniale? My translation app says “Postcolonial English.” Okay, which colony are we talking about? America after the Revolutionary War? Britain after the Empire morphed into the Commonwealth? A variety of English spoken in former Italian colonies?
Next is a sign my family spotted in Tokyo:
Does the collision occur only when the pedestrian is oncoming, or is an outgoing collision also possible?
Judging from this sign, pedestrians in London should certainly proceed with caution:
I’m all for Road Safety in London (and everywhere else), but killing pedestrians For your own Safety seems counterproductive.
Amid the confusion, I did find one perfectly clear sign:
Bravo, Madrid! Bravo, hotel owner! Even the most jet-lagged travelers, assuming they speak English, can understand this message. Would that all our communications were so easily decoded!
No decoding needed for this message: I wish you happy travels, on the road and in your dreams.
Perfection is never a possibility when human beings are involved, as these signs illustrate. They came so close but — well, take a look.
This notice was posted on a public bus. (For non-NYers, I should explain that most east-west streets in Manhattan are numbered in ascending order from south to north.)
If this sign were accurate, the bus would go uptown from 1st Street to 14th, 23rd, 34th, and then loop back to 29th before proceeding northward to 42nd. Quite a route!
Here’s one from a going-out-of-business sale:
The 1/2 OFF is clear, but UP OT?
You may not be familiar with the retail chain associated with this truck, but let me assure you it does not sell ballet equipment:
Last one:
I’m not skilled enough to swivel the photo, so I’ll reproduce the product name and ingredient list here. Count the ingredients. PRODUCT: Three Cheese Mac & Cheese. Ingredients: American Cheese & Swiss Cheese. Maybe it’s UP OT Three Cheese?
Because I’m a baseball fan, the Superbowl serves primarily to remind me that pitchers and catchers will soon report to spring training. That’s why I’m posting this puzzling clip from an article about a baseball game played last season:
I’ve read Lorenzen’s statement several times, and I still can’t figure out what he meant when he said that his miss needs to be in off.
Nor can I decode this pair of signs:
It’s clear that they sell CIGARETTES. In fact, they sell All brands of CIGARETTES. But I can’t figure out why NOW is underlined in the top sign and ALL in the second, or why there’s one line under the first CIGARETTES and two under the second. Increasing exasperation? Or does the store slap up a new sign every time someone asks whether they carry a particular brand?
Then there’s this ad. No problem decoding the first two lines, but the third is another story:
How, exactly, are feet relived? If they’re selling a return trip to an earlier era, sign me up. I’d like my feet to trek back in time to relive the early 70s. Maybe the 90s, too. Definitely not the 80s or most of this millennium. That much is clear, at least to me. How about you?
I’ve just gone through an apartment renovation (minor) and am currently enduring construction above me (major) and on the bricks outside my windows (monumental). Not to mention the massive structure going up on my corner and … well, let’s just say I don’t have a happy view of construction these days. Construction signs, though, bring a smile to my face. This one, for example:
Duly noted. But I have to ask: How do the owners of this site know that children have been warned? And why do they think the kids will listen?
Here’s another helpful sign:
Nice of the Seattle Department of Construction and [Inspections] to inform the public that someone is building zero Units with zero Parking.
I paid special attention to this one because my nickname is on it, albeit spelled differently:
Question: Why is one word spelled correctly at the top (deliveries) and incorrectly at the bottom (deliverys)? Perhaps there was an un scheduled interruption while the sign was being proofread?
That’s it for now. With the holidays looming, I wish you all good things, whether they be scheduled or unscheduled.
We’re closing in on the season when Santa is, as the song goes, “making a list and checking it twice.” Good idea! Too bad these signmakers didn’t make these signs and check them even once. If they had, surely they would have noticed these unfortunate typos.
The first comes courtesy of my friend Barry:
Ouch. The operations themselves must sting, but surely a little warning would help?
This photo was snapped by Nathan, the son of one of my former students. It’s on a food cart parked in front of the Metropolitan Museum of Art:
I sincerely hope no one obeys the command in the first two lines.
Here’s a screen shot I took when I was rug-shopping:
Quick question: Are the Stunning Patters made by little feet or a comedy-club emcee?
Another screenshot, from the website of a major hotel chain that should know better:
Take a close look at the third sentence, which I’ll reproduce here because the print is rather small: “Pop in, have a nap, (needs a comma) do a little laundry, take a shower, and relax in the stylish lounge before continuing on your journey.” Just what guests need in an airport hotel: a comma!
What I need, and what I suspect we all need as the holidays approach, is a bit of what these special days promise: the love of family and friends, the peace to enjoy their company, and the chance to express my gratitude for their presence in my life. Happy Thanksgiving!
I’ve spent the last few weeks in Seattle, which has been called “a city that loves books” because of the large number of bookstores, libraries, and book sales there. How lovely to be in a city of readers! Even more impressive: it appears that not all of Seattle’s readers are human. Take a look:
I wonder whether any members of the bark-set have objected to the missing punctuation.
Speaking of the bark-set:
Pay attention, Fido! Keep quiet, Rex! You don’t want a tow-away to the (gasp!) pound. (And yes, there’s some red tape stuck on the sign. I didn’t stick it there. If I had, the sign would have been much sloppier.)
These homeowners are less threatening , more polite, and probably just as earnest about their request to neighborhood dogs:
“Be respectful“: now that’s a message I can support!
Moving on from woofers, here’s an excerpt from a plea for kitten adoption:
While Squirrel’s profile appeals on many levels (who can resist feather wand toys?), I balk at living with a cat that loves to eat a chorus, no matter how out of tune the singers’ performance may be.
I choose to believe there’s hope for Squirrel. If West Coast Woofers can read, they can teach Squirrel to resist noshing on a tenor. Maybe they can even persuade the human population — not just in Seattle but everywhere — to be respectful. That would be something to bark about, even in a tow-a-way area.
