Because I’m a baseball fan, the Superbowl serves primarily to remind me that pitchers and catchers will soon report to spring training. That’s why I’m posting this puzzling clip from an article about a baseball game played last season:
I’ve read Lorenzen’s statement several times, and I still can’t figure out what he meant when he said that his miss needs to be in off.
Nor can I decode this pair of signs:
It’s clear that they sell CIGARETTES. In fact, they sell All brands of CIGARETTES. But I can’t figure out why NOW is underlined in the top sign and ALL in the second, or why there’s one line under the first CIGARETTES and two under the second. Increasing exasperation? Or does the store slap up a new sign every time someone asks whether they carry a particular brand?
Then there’s this ad. No problem decoding the first two lines, but the third is another story:
How, exactly, are feet relived? If they’re selling a return trip to an earlier era, sign me up. I’d like my feet to trek back in time to relive the early 70s. Maybe the 90s, too. Definitely not the 80s or most of this millennium. That much is clear, at least to me. How about you?
We’re closing in on the season when Santa is, as the song goes, “making a list and checking it twice.” Good idea! Too bad these signmakers didn’t make these signs and check them even once. If they had, surely they would have noticed these unfortunate typos.
The first comes courtesy of my friend Barry:
Ouch. The operations themselves must sting, but surely a little warning would help?
This photo was snapped by Nathan, the son of one of my former students. It’s on a food cart parked in front of the Metropolitan Museum of Art:
I sincerely hope no one obeys the command in the first two lines.
Here’s a screen shot I took when I was rug-shopping:
Quick question: Are the Stunning Patters made by little feet or a comedy-club emcee?
Another screenshot, from the website of a major hotel chain that should know better:
Take a close look at the third sentence, which I’ll reproduce here because the print is rather small: “Pop in, have a nap, (needs a comma) do a little laundry, take a shower, and relax in the stylish lounge before continuing on your journey.” Just what guests need in an airport hotel: a comma!
What I need, and what I suspect we all need as the holidays approach, is a bit of what these special days promise: the love of family and friends, the peace to enjoy their company, and the chance to express my gratitude for their presence in my life. Happy Thanksgiving!
We live in confusing times, so it’s nice to know that some people are working hard to explain things, even if their explanations sometimes overshoot the mark. Here’s an example:
Shower caps do more than add fashion flair! Who knew?
This screenshot is a few years old, but it’s worth another look:
I have it on good authority that the dead former Treasury secretaries declined to comment.
My friend Constance and her husband noticed this headline:
And the galaxies that aren’t in the universe? How old are they?
One more:
Has anyone tried COLLABORATING apart, in this CHANGING WORLD or in a non-universe galaxy? If so, let me know how it works out for you.
Also let me know if you spot an interesting sign or headline. In this universe, those of us who are living (with or without dry hair) should be collaborating together.
Travel enlightens the mind. Reading signs while traveling lightens the mood. I certainly smiled when I saw these! The first comes from my daughter-in-law, who snapped this photo in Japan:
How clever to warn walkers that someone may barrel into them unexpectedly! New York City should post this sign on every corner. Mid-block, too.
Here’s an intriguing subway placard:
I really can’t imagine what PRE-HEALTH might be. Is this something you study while you’re sick, preparing for the day when you’re not? Or do the courses cover recuperation? (Theories welcome.)
Now for a dance-school ad:
BABY MUSIC is as mysterious to me as PRE-HEALTH. Does this school enroll diapered dancers? Do they teach synchronized burping? (Theories welcome here also.)
I saw this one is in a public library:
Obviously, someone had a good time peeling off the letters S and C. I wish the peeler had left the C in place so I could watch library patrons peer downwards to the left in search of Santa helpers. Alternatively, I’d erase heck so the sign would urge readers to let their inner elves shine.
Whether you’re vacationing in a different country or walking through your own neighborhood, I wish you happy travels and encourage you to snap signs you see and send them to me.
Inflation is real, but bargains still exist. Take this one, for instance, an offer from a coffee shop:
Only $1.95 for a lifetime’s worth of water! The downside is obvious, though. All those plastic bottles are (a) terrible for the environment and (b) time-consuming to uncap.
At first glance, this too is a spectacular bargain:
A refrigerator pre-filled w/Food? Excellent! Or awful, depending on the kind of food in the refrigerator and the customer’s taste. What if you open the 4-Dr to find only brussels sprouts? I happen to like brussels sprouts, but I know some people would prefer to eat almost any other vegetable, including the plastic ones that toddlers play with. And how much food are we talking about? One pork chop? A whole roasted pig? At 27.8-cu ft, this refrigerator could hold either.
“Time is money,” as the saying goes, so this too is a bargain:
Long week.
A WEEK that runs from Aug 11 — Sept 11 gives you thirty days for the price of seven. Not bad. Unless, of course, you get paid by the week.
This sign is from a store specializing in bargains:
Not to be a party pooper, but how can something cost More & Less A Dollar? I suspect the shop owner means More or LessA Dollar, but that’s not helpful either. Every price in the universe is More or Less than A Dollar. And if you apply that formula, does an item that sells for $10 elsewhere cost $11 or $9 here?
I’m shopping for another bargain: your photos of silly signs. Send them to me at grammarianinthecity@outlook.com. For me they’ll be free — truly a bargain.
I spend a lot of time watching detective shows. (Side point: Be super alert if you live in or visit a picturesque British village. The murder rate there seems to be extremely high.) On most shows, the answers are clear by the end of the episode. Maybe that’s why I like to watch them: I’m a fan of certainty, which is definitely not a characteristic of the signs in this post.
First up is a notice I spotted on the door of a tenement in my neighborhood. For non-NYers, I should explain that many NYC restaurants, hoping to attract takeout customers, hire people to distribute paper menus to apartment buildings. It’s not uncommon for residents to wade through piles of paper between the outer, unlocked door and the inner, key-only entry. Annoying for sure, but I must admit I can’t imagine any scenario that fits this sign:
DANGER? Really? There might be DANGER if MENUS are present, because someone might slip on an unsteady pile. But surely there’s no DANGER in NO MENUS? Oh, wait! I just thought of a DANGER. With NO MENUS, someone might actually have to cook. But what’s with the graphic on the left? It looks like a cross between the “OK” sign and the “slippery surface” image, and I’m completely stumped.
This one was across the street from my favorite farmers’ market:
First, UWS is short for “Upper West Side,” a Manhattan neighborhood. Second, this sign appears on a store that will begin selling beauty products in SUMMER 2024.. All that is clear. But what is The Viral Hand Cream? A cream containing viruses? If so, which ones? I am not a fan of e-Coli or Covid. Somehow, I don’t think I’m alone in that opinion.
This last sign was taped to a glass-fronted cabinet next to the door of a restaurant. Inside the cabinet was a menu, perhaps banished to that location after putting apartment dwellers in DANGER:
What needs to be in Print? How many copies are required? Who’s supposed to do the job? Does Kinko’s offer onsite visits — photocopying housecalls, so to speak? And why would someone use this method to communicate?
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” This old adage advocates not only persistence but also repetition. And unlike many counselors, the adage follows its own advice, doubling up on try. Is repetition a good idea in signs? I’ll let you decide after you take a look at these.
Jenny, a student in my writing class at Hugo House (www.hugohouse.org), sent me this one:
Technically this sign isn’t repetitive, because PRICE changes to Prices as the font grows. Why? That’s a puzzle, as is the whole sign. What’s with all the empty space and the solitary O? And why repeat? Perhaps for emphasis: “Hey, customer, we really mean it!” Maybe to scold: “Had you listened the first time, we wouldn’t have to tell you again.” Either way, the punctuation in the last line is a problem. Quotation marks most often indicate the reproduction of someone’s exact words. However, quotation marks can also distance the quoter from the quotation, the visual equivalent of a wink and a nod: “We say LOW PRICE but we actually charge double. And just try cashing in on our GUARANTEE!” A third possibility is that the sign writer followed the recent trend that employs quotation marks as attention-getters. I’m not happy with that usage. It’s hard enough, these days, to separate fact from fiction.
Moving on, here’s a sign I spotted in a dry-cleaning shop:
Why make two statements about PERC? Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t NO PERC ODOR a given when there’s NO PERC? Or does someone sell PERC ODOR to people who enjoy chemical smells but don’t want the liver and kidney damage that PERC brings?
This sign’s repetition is the least of its problems:
So they BUY . . . CASH for CA$H? Good to know, though I’m left wondering what the exchange rate is when you convert CASH to CA$H. What really bothers me, though, is the offer to TURN YOUR OLD BOY FRIENDS JEWELRY INTO CA$H. If the statement has something to do with ownership, it should read BOYFRIEND’SJEWELRY or, for someone with an active dating life, BOYFRIENDS’JEWELRY (the plural possessive).Do I have to point out that turning someone else’s adornments into CA$H is theft? Worse than the apostrophe error is the possibility that AND might be missing from the space between FRIENDS and JEWELRY. Even if you hate your OLD BOYFRIENDS, you can’t swap them for CA$H. You really can’t!
I was on the way to my accountant’s office (tax time, don’t you love it?) when this sign stopped me cold:
Is the building bragging or warning? I didn’t know and had no way to find out. So too with this sign, which I spotted in Madrid:
Translated, this sign proclaims “GROUP ZERO” in pink and “POETRY AND PSYCHOANALYSIS” in smaller, black lettering. The illustration seems to promise a Freudian experience, but where does poetry come in?
I bet whoever created this sign would answer, “Everywhere!”
Somehow Poetry Alouders, with or without an exclamation point, sounds more joyous than “Open Mic.” Plus, if you read the pink letters aloud, you hear the homonym allowed, which makes a better statement than this ad does:
Perhaps this landlord should have a chat with the ARTIST RESIDING IN BUILDING. Fear of art, as well as fear of nearly anything, tends to dissipatewith human connection. And just for the record — artists, shrinks, alouders, and poets are all welcome in my home.
In my neighborhood, just about every store that isn’t a nail salon is a restaurant. Thus it’s not surprising that enterprising food purveyors do whatever they can to entice customers, including displaying these signs:
The price of one of these LUNCH SPECIALS ($15) isn’t unreasonable in New York City, especially considering that they’re offering WOODFIRED SANDWICHES, which are . . . well, I don’t know what they are. Bread charred by burning branches? Unemployed victims of forest downsizing?
My friend Catherine sent this one:
I had no opportunity to speak with the SANDWITCH, who I assume was selling a consultation lasting as long as it takes to drink a cup of FREE COFFEE. If I had, I would have asked about the accuracy of the spells in Harry Potter as well as the rationale for enclosing FREE COFFEE in quotation marks. Perhaps the brew isn’t actually COFFEE?
I should note that the prices listed below have increased since I snapped the photo:
Inflation or not, who could resist an offer to DESIGNED YOUR OWN SALAD? Also, 16 oz (ounces) equals one pound. Thus the restaurant is offering a one-, two-, or three-pound salad, each with 1 meat and unlimited vege. I must ask: Who has room for much (many?) vege after eating three pounds of DESIGNED SALAD?
Last one:
If Mom gets Fri, who gets all the other days? I’m a Mom, but I prefer Tuesdays. Can non-Moms get the LUNCH Special on Fri?
My advice is to choose a restaurant carefully, eat well, and in the spirit of today’s MLK holiday, find a way to work for a more just world.
Signs referring to nonhuman animals have occupied my mind this week, setting me on a hamster wheel of confusing possibilities. Clarity, O Clarity, where art thou? Not here:
A few questions: How does one decide whether a Chicken is Smart? Is managing to stay whole enough? Or does a Chicken have to prove its intelligence by refusing to eat artificial ingredients, thereby achieving organic status?
More confusion:
How many PETS actually spend time COOKING BICYCLES? Have those Smart Chickens created a recipe for roasted or braised handlebars? Do they use organic ingredients?
This sign prompts another question:
Can a dog read well enough to follow instructions explaining how to wash itself? Somehow I thought instinct alone would be sufficient.
Last but not least:
This sign seems a bit sexist. I mean, where are male deer supposed to park? And how exactly does the tow-truck driver decide whether VEHICLES belong to a DOE or a stag? Antler gashes on the dashboard? Perhaps the Department of Education will explain the identification process.
I’ll end this post with one clear message and one shameless plug. Message: Be kind to animals, human or not. Plug: If clarity is your goal, check out my online course, “How to Explain Anything,” which will take place on August 19th from 1:00 — 4:00 EDT (10:00 — 1:00 PDT). Enroll at www.hugohouse.org.
