Category Archives: Picky Punctuation Points

How punctuation changes or destroys meaning

If at first you don’t succeed . . .

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“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” This old adage advocates not only persistence but also repetition. And unlike many counselors, the adage follows its own advice, doubling up on try. Is repetition a good idea in signs? I’ll let you decide after you take a look at these.

Jenny, a student in my writing class at Hugo House (www.hugohouse.org), sent me this one:

Technically this sign isn’t repetitive, because PRICE changes to Prices as the font grows. Why? That’s a puzzle, as is the whole sign. What’s with all the empty space and the solitary O? And why repeat? Perhaps for emphasis: “Hey, customer, we really mean it!” Maybe to scold: “Had you listened the first time, we wouldn’t have to tell you again.” Either way, the punctuation in the last line is a problem. Quotation marks most often indicate the reproduction of someone’s exact words. However, quotation marks can also distance the quoter from the quotation, the visual equivalent of a wink and a nod: “We say LOW PRICE but we actually charge double. And just try cashing in on our GUARANTEE!” A third possibility is that the sign writer followed the recent trend that employs quotation marks as attention-getters. I’m not happy with that usage. It’s hard enough, these days, to separate fact from fiction.

Moving on, here’s a sign I spotted in a dry-cleaning shop:

Why make two statements about PERC? Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t NO PERC ODOR a given when there’s NO PERC? Or does someone sell PERC ODOR to people who enjoy chemical smells but don’t want the liver and kidney damage that PERC brings?

This sign’s repetition is the least of its problems:

So they BUY . . . CASH for CA$H? Good to know, though I’m left wondering what the exchange rate is when you convert CASH to CA$H. What really bothers me, though, is the offer to TURN YOUR OLD BOY FRIENDS JEWELRY INTO CA$H. If the statement has something to do with ownership, it should read BOYFRIEND’S JEWELRY or, for someone with an active dating life, BOYFRIENDS’ JEWELRY (the plural possessive). Do I have to point out that turning someone else’s adornments into CA$H is theft? Worse than the apostrophe error is the possibility that AND might be missing from the space between FRIENDS and JEWELRY. Even if you hate your OLD BOYFRIENDS, you can’t swap them for CA$H. You really can’t!

On that stern note, I’ll say BYE BYE for today.

Accuracy

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A large number of signs advertise products or services of extraordinary value — or so they’d like you to believe. These more modest and likely more accurate signs are a refreshing counterpoint. First up is a notice posted on a building undergoing renovation:

Who indeed! I’d like to hire that contractor for my next project. The work may drag on, but at least I’ll have advance warning.

Next is a restaurant sign:

PRETTY HEALTHY FOOD is good enough for me, and probably more nutritious than more pretentiously labeled fare (artisanal, handcrafted, bespoke, etc.)

This merchant, like George Washington, cannot tell a lie:

Sign up for this EXCLUSIVE OFFER and receive ten letters, one per month, from the likes of George Washington and John F. Kennedy. The photo quality isn’t great, so I’ll retype the key phrase here: ORIGINAL REPRODUCTION. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but I’m glad the seller hasn’t robbed the National Archives or hired ghost writers. Actual ghosts, given the dearly departed status of the authors.

Last, and anything but least, is this correction issued by a media outlet in late 2020, before Kamala Harris took office:

Who knew that punctuation was audible to this degree of accuracy? I applaud the writer’s devotion to truth, really. Let me rephrase: I applaud the writer’s devotion to truth. Really.

In Praise of Pickiness

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Punctuation: very small marks governed by a very big set of rules, many of which don’t even have the grace to stay the same from one country to another. Caring about hyphens and apostrophes takes pickiness to a new height, doesn’t it? Yet I can’t help wishing that someone had edited these headlines and labels a little more carefully.

I dare you to decode this one on first reading:

I’ve read it several times, as well as the accompanying article, and I still don’t know who’s who and where they are. I get that someone’s in-house and someone’s at home, and I’m sure that neither is Nureyev, the ballet superstar who died in 1993. Also, why hyphenate in-house? A small consolation is that the apostrophe is used correctly. Not so in this label:

I don’t know how many coffee beans are in the jar, but I do know that I don’t want to be our (or anyone’s) guess. Nor do I want to make 3 guess’s.

If only I could poach the apostrophe from guess’s and insert it below:

Your more? Advertiser, you’re better than that! And if you’re not — well, call me picky, but in that case I’d rather be just a number.

Technical Difficulties

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I’ve been thinking about technical difficulties lately, perhaps because I’ve had a few. When I sat down to write this post an hour ago, for example, Word Press was down. It came back more quickly than my bank account, which went into a tizzy after someone tried to access it fraudulently. No harm done in either case, fortunately. I’m not sure the same is true at this shop:

First of all, this situation is unfair to anyone without a credit card or an item to barter. Second, what’s TECHNICAL about CASH? You put your hand out, someone puts the money in it, and you’re done. Okay, there’s recordkeeping, but are their pencils having TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, too?

This sign, sent by my friend Catherine, has another sort of technical problem:

Granted, it’s not too hard to figure out the identity of the missing letter — though I spent an enjoyable half hour imagining alternatives, such as FIRE DOOD (alternate spelling for the Big Lebowski), FIRE MOOD (blazing? glowing?) and FIRE GOOD (arsonist’s motto). What intrigues me is why just one letter is missing. Do the other letters have more stamina? Did the flames hop from the E in FIRE to the next word? Maybe it’s something about W. That’s one of my initials, but I promise you I didn’t swipe the letter. I can’t vouch for my relatives, though. My best guess is that there were technical difficulties with the glue.

Whoever issued this press release in December 2020 is unlikely to accept a flimsy excuse about technical difficulties. Read it carefully:

Swapping a period for the comma after inaugurated: Now that’s precise editing! The next time I encounter technical difficulties, I want the person who corrected the pool report on my team.

Close, But No Cigar

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Back in the we-didn’t-know-tobacco-causes-cancer era, many traveling carnivals offered cigars as prizes. Near misses garnered only a sympathetic statement, “Close, but no cigar.” I can’t say I blame the carnival workers. In my business (grammar), close isn’t good enough either. Witness this sign, which my granddaughter spotted:

I’m ignoring the substitution of U for “you.” Shortened texting forms are conquering the language, and, to borrow a phrase from Star Trek, resistance is futile. But CLOSE is an actual word, with an actual meaning that doesn’t match the sign’s intended message. CLOSE or far away — who cares where the storekeeper is? Shoppers simply want a place that’s open.

Alaska Airlines posted this card on a breakfast buffet:

I’ll pause for a moment so you can imagine my impassioned rant about apostrophes inappropriately tasked with making a word plural. All done? Good, because I want to talk about vowels, specifically the A that’s missing from Rosted (Roasted) and the E that doesn’t appear in Potato’s, which should, of course, be Potatoes. Alaska Airlines, if I proofread your signs, will you give me free flights?

Not just a letter but a whole word went AWOL from this sign:

IT’S TIME TO what YOUR EVENTS? To forget about, ignore, run screaming from, enjoy? And what is a SEMI-PRIVATE? Does Hallmark make a card for that?

Last one:

Note to the signwriter: Good job on the apostrophe in WE’RE. Not so good on WALKIN!! Two exclamation points do not a complete word make, even when they’re gold and pink. I’ll end this post now so you can picture what SPECIAL WALKIN!! looks like. In my mind’s eye, it’s a cross between an amble and a strut. Or perhaps it’s something different. Whether I’m correct or just close, don’t bother offering me a cigar!

Say Wath?

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The title of this post isn’t a typo. It’s a reaction to a sign I saw recently:

I don’t know WATH a COFFEE with a BOTTOM is, but I do know that someone should have proofread the sign before placing it on the sidewalk. Ditto for this one:

I’m ignoring the quotation marks around include. (Seriously, though, why would anyone enclose include in quotation marks? Forget I asked! I just remembered I’m ignoring!) Instead, I direct your attention to the next bullet point, 30 min message. A message from whom? About what? Thirty minutes makes for a lengthy message, but it’s a decent amount of time for a “massage.”

One more:

GARBADGE caught my eye first, perhaps in a moment of nostalgia for my Girl Scout days, when I earned quite a few badges. But the part of this sign that most interests me is FROM THE RESTAURANT. I still can’t figure out whether THIS SPACE is FROM THE RESTAURANT (which, grammatically, is the correct interpretation) or the GARBADGE CONTAINERS are FROM THE RESTAURANT. I guess either/both could work better than the sign, which was posted a few feet above several overflowing GARBADGE bins. I may go into THE RESTAURANT and ask, after I stop for a COFFEE with a BOTTOM and a 30 min message. You’re welcome to join me!

Job Hunting

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Looking for work? Perhaps one of the jobs mentioned in these signs is for you. This one, for example:

I’ve never met any Costumers, if that word refers to professionals who sew outfits that turn you into someone or something else. I have met a lot of people wearing costumes. Do they count as costumers? Both groups, I imagine, would appreciate the opportunity to have their very own restroom, though it might be a bit crowded around Halloween.

Maybe you’d like a job in this grocery store:

What does a miner mine in a supermarket? Or Is the store participating in the construction (actually, constrction, as the sign spells it) of miners? I don’t want a job here, but I would like one of those metal hats with a lamp attached. (If any costumers are reading this, please get in touch.)

I don’t want to neglect nonhuman readers. (Chat GPT, this may be of interest to you!) Here’s a caption from a recent New York Times article:

The print is small, so I’ll retype the caption here: “Machines could help ease a caregiving crisis in Italy, where many prefer to live with their aging relatives.” I wonder which aging relatives the machines prefer to live with: eight-track tape players? The Italian equivalent of Radio Shack computers? A 1910 Alfa Romeo? Not to get too English-teachery, but pronouns do need antecedents, and many is no exception.

This one is straightforward. Sexist, but straightforward:

Whether you’re spending time with machine families or humans (costumers, miners, pizza people), I hope you enjoyed this post. And if you didn’t, we apologies!

Goodbye, 2022

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My last post of the year, written during this busy holiday/winter-storm/school-vacation season. First up is a cafe menu. Pay attention to the third-to-last line:

CAESAR CONTAINS NUTS, does he? What a clever way to indicate that power corrupts! Or maybe it’s an indictment of Nero, Julius, Augustus, and other CAESARS?

Next is a message from a dry-cleaning shop. It’s a poor quality photo, so I’ll reproduce the words: BUSINESS IS MOVING FROM JUNE TO A NEW PLACE.

A NEW PLACE? Like July or October? What was wrong with JUNE? Too many weddings and graduations?

Now to Seatac Airport in Seattle:

It took me two days to decode this sentence, partly because I lose my mind when I’m traveling and partly because there’s a missing comma. I kept reading the message as FIRE ELEVATORS, a noncombustible (and most likely nonexistent) subset of ELEVATORS. I think we can all agree that IN CASE OF FIRE, signs with instantly obvious instructions are preferable. (With that in mind, I’d be happy to proofread this airline’s signs in exchange for a free trip. If you’re an executive with Alaska Airlines, leave a comment and I’ll get back to you.)

Finally, a van parked on my block:

Wouldn’t it be nice to hire this company for the stock market? The economy could use a BOOM right around now.

BOOM or not, I wish you a peaceful, joyful, healthy 2023.

Oddly Specific

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I usually gripe about vague signs, but today I direct your attention to some oddly specific notices, such as this one:

I’m not hugely surprised that dogs are excluded, because an expanse of lawn (in this case, a soccer field) would be a nice place to let Fido off the leash. But would people actually take cats there? If so, I’d like to know how they get a leash on a cat without incurring stitches for the leasher and the leashed. And what’s with the pot bellied pigs? If I were an iguana or a llama, I’d feel left out by this sign. And if I had a pot-bellied pig, I’d never exclude the hyphen.

Another exclusion:

Do I have to point out that ice cream is, in fact, food? For some of us, it’s a major food group. Also, why single out ice cream? Was this store owner once traumatized by mint chocolate chip? Struck in the eye by a cone of rocky road? On a diet?

At least the comparison is logically correct in this sign:

I do wonder about the comma. Grammatically it’s not necessary (some would even say it’s wrong), because the conjunction or doesn’t connect two clauses. To me, the comma sounds a bit defensive: I’m not anti-pigeon! I’m anti-other birds too!

One more bird (sort of), courtesy of my friend Catherine:

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is cat-food-Catherine-e1633093629444-350x260.jpg

So glad the label is clear! Now I know that I’ll have to shop elsewhere for outdoor chicken.

Apostrophes, Sigh

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What is it with apostrophes? They show up when they aren’t needed and go AWOL when they are. Here’s an example from the first category, in a blurry photo I snapped from a moving car:

Unless the HOUSES & LAND belong to a man named JOHN BUY, this apostrophe interrupts a perfectly good verb.

Another unnecessary apostrophe, in the plural noun Mondays:

Whoever made this sign tried a tactic I’ve often seen students employ: miniaturizing the punctuation mark. The student hopes that if the word needs an apostrophe, the teacher will see one, and if it doesn’t, the teacher will see an untidy smudge. I should note that hedging a punctuation bet this way never works, in class or in signs.

Now for the AWOL Department. This sign, in an elevator serviced by a major airline that should know better, lacks an apostrophe:

There are more problems with this sign than writing FIREMANS instead of FIREMAN’S. First of all, I sincerely hope that more than one person would respond to a blaze in an airport. A blaze anywhere, for that matter! Thus I have a problem with FIREMAN, a singular noun. Second, the sign has a gender problem. If I were a FIREFIGHTER (a more accurate and inclusive term), I’d be tempted to thwack this sign with my extinguisher and put a dent in FIREMANS.

This one is in a category all by itself:

I wonder what sort of goals a numeral can have. Does 1 aspire to become 2? Aim for 10? Perhaps 1 aspires to a fancier font?

Maybe there’s a 1 somewhere in the world striving to curtail gun violence. I can get behind that last goal, for sure, and you probably can, too. If only the shop displaying this sign could help us refine that goal and create an action plan. That would undoubtedly be in EVERY 1’S best interest.