With the belief that humor in the midst of tragedy is a relief and the hope that silly signs will make you smile, I’ve repurposed some photos I took in pre-distancing days.
Because you can’t get to the groomer and have never actually taken care of the canine you live with.You’ve streamed everything. The refrigerator is just sitting there. Go look.Suitable for children’s bedrooms, our best bike-friendly surface. Call now!
One more, which isn’t silly despite its mangled grammar:
These days, real heroes definitely don’t wear capes. They wear scrubs. They wear masks (when they can get them). They wear a calm face, no matter how fearful they are. They are the doctors, nurses, aides, EMTs, janitors, clerks, and everyone else who fights this disease. They deserve thanks — and every possible support — from all of us.
Every time I think a bit of rationality has invaded food ads (which occurs, I admit, never), I see a sign so loopy I have to laugh. And snap a photo:
How is a “whole whole chicken” different from a “whole chicken”? Is it “wholer”? Or is there something missing in the usual “whole chicken” that I should know about? Perhaps, in these hyperbolic days, we need to repeat something just to make it seem true. Sigh.
Here’s an even more disturbing sign:
Maybe this sign explains the previous one: Perhaps the “whole whole chicken” includes the brain, obliquely referred to here as the quality it confers, “smart.” The whole (whole whole) thing makes me shudder and sigh.
I think I’ll eat veggies tonight. How about you? Having trouble deciding? Try this:
No decisions, just a grab. Ideal, until you notice that it’s “our favorites,” not “your.” Sigh again.
Writing this post has made me hungry. I think I’ll grab my favorite snack, which is not chicken — not “whole,” not “whole whole,” and definitely not “smart.” Bon appetit!
When Pandora opened her mythical box and the world’s evils flew out, what remained was hope. In these signs, grammar and spelling and punctuation have taken flight. This post concerns what I hope remains. First, skill with scissors:
I hope the proprietors are good barbers, because the salon is certainly not wasting any energy inserting an apostrophe in kids’ (or kid’s, if only one child is welcome as a “walk-in”). Fortunately, men’s is properly punctuated.
This sign directs my hope to falling (actually, NOT falling) masonry:
What do I hope? That the company maintaining the exterior walls looming over my head in NYC is better at pointing, painting, piping, and venting than it is at spelling. Verticle? Seriously? Moving on to moving:
Here I hope that every client’s move is a great experience. Were I to use this firm (not that I’m going anywhere except on vacation), I would hope for better grammar (our employees our?) and punctuation (safe positive?).
Last but definitely not least:
Where do I start? Spelling: seperate or softner? Subject-verb agreement: work include? Punctuation: double quotation marks for the first line and single for the second? And why any quotation marks at all? I think I’ll have this shop clean my clothes, which I hope will be handled with more care than this sign.
No jokes today. I snapped this photo in Venice, where I spent ten wonderful days in October. The beauty of the city and the kindness of the Venetians won my heart. I intended to post this photo with my usual snarky remarks on phrasing and language, but I present it now, after (and during) the floods, as a tribute:
My heart is with those who support Venice, and its “defense for the survival of this dream of stones on water.”
Really, it’s not a choice I have ever made or ever plan to make. But apparently some people do need to decide between “Individual, or Strip.” My question, in addition to why there’s a comma before “or,” concerns how an “Eyelash Application” decision is made:
On second thought, I don’t really want to know. I’d rather ponder still another eyelash dilemma:
So, a single eyelash walks into a bar . . . and gets 50% off? Or is the “first Eyelash” 50% off and all the others offered at the regular, or even double-the-regular price? (Sidepoint: Why capitalize “Eyelash”?) The whole thing sounds like a math problem to me: Calculate how much it will cost to have all your eyelashes visit. The answer may depend on whether you want your “first Eyelash visit” to be “Individual, or Strip.”
One last outrage of English, courtesy of my friend Ellie:
Nicotine-puffers can read this notice in columns (“No Safety / Smoking First”) and nonpuffers line by line (“No Smoking / Safety First”). I’m a nonpuffer but also a noncombatant in the “what does it mean?” war. I do wonder whether the letters were applied to the boat “Individual, or Strip.”
If you feel your life lacks direction, take heart. None of these signs will help you, but they will show you that you’re not alone. The first example comes from my friend Ellie:
It’s hard to know where to begin my comments. “In Side” and “Use As Credit At Pump” caught my eye (caught as in “fish hook”). I admit I’m fond of “Inconvenius,” but it’s not a direction, so I’ll leave that and the apostrophe problems alone.
I snapped the next photo on a New York City bus that crosses Central Park:
“Traverse”? I don’t think so! “Traverse” is a verb, and anyway every New Yorker (except whoever wrote this sign) knows that the bus crosses the “transverse.”
This one is more a “who?” than a “where?” but it’s too good to pass up:
Nice to know that we “pedesterians” have a place to walk. At least the signwriter consulted an etiquette book (saying “please”), if not a dictionary or spell-check program. This signwriter did both:
I could question the capitalization rules applied here, but I behave Graciously. You should too.
I’m not hoping for baldness but rather for a change in signage pertaining to hair. What is it about the human version of fur that obsesses us? I don’t know the answer, but I do know that these products and services are beyond ridiculous. An example:
First of all, I hope no one goes to this salon hoping that Francis Ford or Sofia are employed there as stylists. Second, botox? Seriously? Just what I’d like for my hair: a neurotoxin that causes paralysis.
Onward but not upward:
I could say quite a lot about this sign. For example: Why specify “goatee beard”? Is there a “goatee eyebrow” or a “goatee cheese” that I don’t know about? But the line that most interests me is “Crew Cut Senior Citizen.” For the record, I’m a senior citizen and I don’t have a crew cut. Nor do I want one. I prefer to read this as a headline for an article beginning “The crew of the USS Scissors cut a senior citizen yesterday. NCIS is investigating.”
Another non-beauty:
This photo and the previous one are from different salons. Perhaps they share a grammarian (or rather, they should share one). In both, apostrophes are a problem. (“Children Haircut”? Men Haircut?) Also, both offer the customer a “shape up.” Presumably the $20 version comes with a trainer, diet plan, and access to exercise equipment. For $10, the salon owner just yells at you until get your act together.
That’s it for today. I have an appointment to get my hair cut, because, as this salon put it, I need an “edit”:
Do take photos of your favorite hair signs before, like the “summer edit festival,” they’re gone.
Can’t do without food and drink, right? But I can certainly do without the silliness that appears permanently attached to them on the signs and menus of New York. This one, for instance:
Which hero are we talking about? Wonder Woman, in a traditionally female role? Batman, grilling in the Bat Cave (a traditionally male role)? Or The Flash, serving super-fast food? Also, how does a burger get “certified”? That last question is apparently a serious issue, as some meat producers object to the term “burger” for anything that doesn’t contain meat. They want to prohibit the term “veggie burger,” for instance, and substitute . . . well, that’s not clear. Maybe patty? disk? puck? The menus of America need a hero to step in and solve this language problem.
Speaking of menus:
I can’t decide whether this restaurant is patting customers on the back for ordering a treat that sounds vaguely nutritious or castigating them for ordering any pastry at all. Also, what’s with the “by”? I’d expect the preposition “from,” reserving “by” for works of art (a painting by Rembrandt, for example). I guess the restaurant wants customers to see these creations as masterpieces. And for all I know (I didn’t order any), they are.
I didn’t take advantage of what this sign offers, either:
At least it’s not “outdoor.” If I were ever tempted to grill myself, I’d prefer a little privacy.
Time to wash down all this food:
These days, it is indeed “special” to encounter honesty, which is reason enough to order and pay for two drinks.
The air resembles tan soup this morning, as the heatwave in New York City staggers off. I’d be staggering, too, without the comic relief provided by friends who sent me these signs. The first is from Joselia:
I hope the cops are looking to arrest whoever “we” is before the chainsaw comes out.
The next two are from Ellie, who lives in a cooler spot (Canada). Please send a cold front with the next set of photos, Ellie. Here’s the first:
Call me lazy, but the thought of trekking to China from Canada just to save walking up or down some stairs is not appealing. And how is that a convenience for wheelchair users?
Another Ellie-gem:
The original caption for this photo questioned whether there was any way to make sense of the display. The syntax suggests that “whole” is a noun. I’m just hoping it’s not a misspelling of “hole,” in which case the first person to walk on that carpet is going to take a plunge. Another theory: The empty window on the right is a fill-in-the-blank. If that’s correct, I’d be happy to spend $99 to carpet my street and a few adjacent avenues. Much more elegant, and quieter, too.
Ellie shared a photo taken by her friend John, but my computer stubbornly refused to save it. The image showed an empty carton labeled “invisible tape.” Maybe the invisible part explains my computer problem: The photo is there, but no one can see it.
The last is from me, snapped during a recent visit to England:
I’m not sure about the “get sun” part, but otherwise, it’s spot on.
Every once in a while — okay, every day — I find a sign that puzzles me. I like puzzles, mostly, but I also like answers. With that in mind, I’m posting four signs, hoping readers will enlighten me. First up:
Does this mean it’s okay to garbage somewhere else?
Another question for another sign-maker:
My first theory about this sign: a “pre-action” is a thought. But then I realized that thinking is itself an action. That put me in chicken-egg territory, wondering which came first, the pre-action or the thought about the pre-action. What do you think? (And while you’re thinking, are you pre-acting?)
One from a beauty salon:
Is there an analog perm? If I go digital, will I have fingers in my hair, and if so, whose?
Last query:
Is there an epidemic of cave-ins caused by sloppy posture? Or is “Do Not Lean” just mean? I’m leaning (pun intended) toward answering yes to the second question and no to the first, but I’m willing to be convinced otherwise.
