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Say Wath?

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The title of this post isn’t a typo. It’s a reaction to a sign I saw recently:

I don’t know WATH a COFFEE with a BOTTOM is, but I do know that someone should have proofread the sign before placing it on the sidewalk. Ditto for this one:

I’m ignoring the quotation marks around include. (Seriously, though, why would anyone enclose include in quotation marks? Forget I asked! I just remembered I’m ignoring!) Instead, I direct your attention to the next bullet point, 30 min message. A message from whom? About what? Thirty minutes makes for a lengthy message, but it’s a decent amount of time for a “massage.”

One more:

GARBADGE caught my eye first, perhaps in a moment of nostalgia for my Girl Scout days, when I earned quite a few badges. But the part of this sign that most interests me is FROM THE RESTAURANT. I still can’t figure out whether THIS SPACE is FROM THE RESTAURANT (which, grammatically, is the correct interpretation) or the GARBADGE CONTAINERS are FROM THE RESTAURANT. I guess either/both could work better than the sign, which was posted a few feet above several overflowing GARBADGE bins. I may go into THE RESTAURANT and ask, after I stop for a COFFEE with a BOTTOM and a 30 min message. You’re welcome to join me!

Numbers Game

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Recently I heard an AI-generated voice announce that the next bus stop would be “One Oh First Street.” Huh? I’d made peace with the same voice on a different bus alerting me to the stop for “Central Park TraVERSE” (accent on the second syllable, missing N) instead of “TRANSverse” (accent on the first syllable). But “One Oh First”?

With numbers, accuracy matters. Unfortunately no one told the person who designed this description of the M15 bus route:

Check the middle: E 23 St, E 34 St, E 29 St, E 42 St. In other words, after stopping on E 23 St (East 23rd Street), the bus zips to E 34 St (East 34th Street) and then doubles back to E 29 St (East 29th Street), whereupon it loops up to E 42 St (East 42nd Street). Mathematicians, NYC Transit needs you!

So does Social Security:

Check the age groups. According to this ad, if you’re 71, 72, 73, or 74, you’re out of luck. No new benefit for you!

This message popped up on my friend Catherine’s computer. It has all the right numbers, but the meaning is bonkers:

For non-techies, 404 is a computer-generated code indicating that you’ve entered a wrong or obsolete web address. The numbers are supposed to be followed by what Wikipedia calls “a human readable reason phrase.” Well, I’m human and I read, but I fail to see reason here. How can you find something that doesn’t exist? That’s a question for philosophers, as are these: If I’ve reached that page, does my computer exist? Do I?

This page does exist, thanks to those who creatively mangle the English language. Keep at it, people! We need reasons to smile. And if you spot silly signs, please send them to me along with the snarky comments they inspire. With your help, Grammarian in the City will never be a 404.

Body Parts

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I’m hoping the proofreader was napping when the headlines and signs in this post got the final okay, because if they’re accurate, somebody better call the Board of Health.

First up is a coronation-week special:

I believe even the most ardent anti-monarchist would agree that Charles’ bowels are off limits. The phrase this headline writer aspired to is “shot across the bows,” which arose from the 18th century practice of firing a warning shot over the fore-end of ship, not the nether end of a king.

More horrifying is this label, sent by my friend Terena:

Epic auto-correct fail? Cannibalism? You decide.

Onward to this confusing, but harmless, awning:

I stood in front of this store for a while, trying to decide which of my feet is the back one. Quadruped customers don’t have this problem.

Presumably this shop takes care of any body part:

I didn’t go in. I have no desire to Relive Stress. Once was enough! Nor do I want to Pour my Digestion out. I may ask for help with my foot (the back one), which is sore because of Over Use in Jares. (Say it aloud and it makes sense: in jah rees — “injuries.”)

Until next time, take care of all your body parts. And proofread!

Sizing Up

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How do you choose your food? I consider nutrition, taste, and price, but judging from these postings, people who sell shrimp and olives believe that size is the most important factor. Take a look at this offer:

Colossal? The dictionary definition of colossal is “vast in size, amount, extent, or scope.” Not the ideal term for a shellfish you can pick up with a salad fork. To be fair, I should mention that shrimp sizing begins with tiny and progresses through degrees of small and medium before hitting oxymoron status with large and jumbo, arriving eventually at colossal and then super- and extra-colossal. And here I was thinking that all those stories linking fishing and exaggeration were a baseless attack on fishermen! And fisherwomen. All fisherpeople, in fact.

Shrimp are small fry compared to olives. Here’s a chart I snagged from the internet:

I won’t comment on MAMMOUTH except to say that it would be a great name for a snarky extinct mammal. Nor will I discuss SOUPER, a word that makes me wonder whether anyone puts olives in, say, clam chowder. I will direct your attention to the extremities of the olive scale: BULLETS and ATLAS. Which would you rather eat? I prefer BRILLIANT and SUPERIOR, in hopes that I’ll become what I eat.

One more (non-edible) size for your consideration:

This isn’t the clearest photo, so I’ll reproduce the last two lines here:

3. 10″ foot massage

4. 10″ shoulder massage

If you have a 10″ [inch] foot or shoulder, this salon is for you. Otherwise, you’ll have to content yourself with a mani-pedi for $60. That’s not a colossal deal, but it’s not tiny either. Enjoy!

And the winner is . . .

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This being awards season, I thought I’d structure today’s post as a contest. Which sign wins your vote for “most nonsensical”?

The first contestant is an offer:

WE BUY . . . CASH and TURN it INTO CA$H). Interesting concept — almost as strange as trying to TURN YOUR OLD BOY FRIENDS into CA$H. I suggest changing BOY FRIENDS to BOYFRIEND’S, thereby averting arrest by more than the grammar cops.

The next sign could win an illogic contest:

I can understand (sort of) how you can Shop for something that’s FREE. But why would you have to Save to have enough money to pay nothing?

This book cover, sent by my friend Ellie, is another strong contender:

Read this book if you want to know where to go on a date with, say, a two-story bungalow or a skyscraper. I do have one question: Is there a Tinder for the brick-and-mortar crowd?

My vote goes to this sign, which graces the door of a nearby food shop:

How can a CHICKEN, FREE RANGE or not, be HARVESTED? Scratch that question: I’m not sure I want to know! A similar sign appears inside the store, where photos are not allowed. It touts lamb, which, the sign declares, was also HATCHED, RAISED, & HARVESTED IN THE USA. Are lambs HATCHED from giant Easter eggs? Asking for a friend.

Select your favorite and, better yet, send me photos of other signs that make you smile.

Traffic Jam on the Information Highway

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Signs and labels are supposed to offer information, but sometimes the message doesn’t reach its destination. Take a look at this ice cream container I bought recently:

I admit I’d never given much thought to where the cherries in Cherry Vanilla ice cream came from until I read this label’s proud claim to country-harvested fruit. Ever loyal to my urban home, I hesitated before dropping the package into my cart, wondering whether I should search for ice cream made with city-harvested cherries. Unfortunately, Second Avenue is not rife with orchards. Even Orchard Street on the Lower East Side is treeless these days. So I bought the product, reasoning that the label’s reference to vanilla and cherry flavor with other natural flavors and cherry pieces implies more lab-harvesting than anything else, and the lab could indeed be in my home city.

Onward to Broadway, courtesy of my friend Orli:

As Orli pointed out, the construction of this sentence depicts Audra McDonald as packed with suspense. Anyone who’s ever seen her perform knows that Ms. McDonald is packed with talent, which no amount of suspense can replace. I, for one, plan to buy a ticket.

Now to the front door of a medical office:

Verbally granted access? Um … okay, if you say so ( and you literally must, according to this sign). Yet I can’t help wondering what other type of granted access doesn’t measure up at this location. Are buzzers banned? If I enter through the door an exiting, silent patient holds open, will I be thrown out?

As always, theories welcome. And as we approach whatever wave of the pandemic is next, I hope you stay safe!

This Is Not a Post

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It’s a promulgation, the fanciest near-synonym of post I could find. Fancy, by the way, is today’s theme. Here’s a paragraph from a catalogue mistakenly delivered to my mailbox:

I leafed through the catalogue but didn’t notice any serpentine candlesticks or large-scale hummingbirds (and I definitely wouldn’t buy any if I did). Instead I focused on expressive materiality, which means . . . well, what does it mean? I’m thinking quadruple pricing, but maybe that’s just me.

Onward and upward to this sign on a recently completed apartment building:

To protect the guilty, I try not to include company names, but I will tell you that the building has “Manor” in its name, a word equal in snootiness to Sculpted in Stature. All sorts of construction machinery littered the site for a year or so, but no stone-sculpting tools with which to carve Stature. And how does one carve Stature? Does that even have a meaning?

Skip the misspelled word on line three and go directly to the fourth line of this sign:

All this to describe paint! If only one person is making it (the sign says craftsman, not craftsmen), small wonder that the product is made only in small batches. Then there’s formulation and curated collection — words I reckon cost an extra hundred each, per can. Or jar, or whatever they sell curated paint in. Grecian urns? Space capsules? Something expensive, that’s for sure — unlike this completely free promulgation about snobbery.

Expensive Words

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Every trip to the store reminds me that inflation isn’t just for balloons. I don’t pretend to understand the economic forces involved, but I do know some things that inflate the cost of food. Here’s one:

General rule: If you double the P in “shop,” you double the price. Which is understandable, because it’s expensive to import food from the 16th century.

Another general rule is “fancy language equals fancy prices,” especially when the words are associated with Britain:

“Made to order” isn’t cheap, but it is cheaper than “bespoke.” I would deduct 10% from the price for misspelling “disappoint,” however.

A variation of the fancy language rule sets higher prices to anything described by a three-syllable word that most people have to look up in a dictionary:

A “distributor” can’t charge as much as a “purveyor.” Oh, and “chefs” pay more than “cooks.”

To sum up: If you’re on a tight budget, stay away from shoppes that are purveyors of bespoke fruit baskets.

Geographically Challenged

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Does anyone study geography these days? Judging from the photos below, no. Or maybe the world has simply gotten a lot more interconnected than it used to be.

First up is a package my friend Priscilla spotted in an iconic New York City grocery store:

Perhaps the label should read “Produit du Pérou.”

Moving on: This poster advertises French Fries (no surprise there, except for the capital letters), along with Poland Water and Chicken Tundra.

I did a little research and confirmed what I suspected: Poland does indeed have water and probably can spare some small bottles. However, places classified as tundra generally aren’t associated with chicken coops. I mean, arctic chickens? Someday, maybe, if the climate continues to warm. (Don’t ask me about Tune Melt. I can’t deal with defrosted music today.)

This menu item features an ingredient from France by way of Voltaire:

I like my ginger candide, don’t you? I just hope it hasn’t been sitting in the cupboard since the Enlightenment.

By the way, the subtitle of Voltaire’s novel Candide is The Optimist. Let’s hang onto that and pretend that the world — and its geography — will sort itself out someday.

Quality Time

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How do you judge the quality of something you’re purchasing? By listening to friends’ recommendations, checking online reviews, reading tea leaves? Perhaps you place your trust in signs — not omens, but actual signs, such as this one:

This may be the workplace of a superb tailor, but I object to the phrase one of the best. What does that mean, exactly? One of the best on the block? (That’s likely, as it’s the only tailor on the block.) One of the best in the neighborhood? There might be some argument about that. In the country? The world? The universe? (Hey, if there can be a “Miss Universe,” there can be a “Best Tailor in the Universe,” too.) However vague the claim may be, the store has guaranteed it. It would be interesting to see a dissatisfied customer try to collect!

I had to check the dictionary for this next statement of quality, painted on the side of a van. I usually hide company names when I post signs, but in this case, the name is part of the point.

WE STAND UP TO OUR NAME! When I read this sentence, I pictured someone from the High Definition Cooling Company with hands on hips, defiantly facing the name because . . . well, what does a name have to do to motivate workers to stand up to it? Unable to think of a plausible scenario, I turned to the Oxford English Dictionary for other definitions of stand up to. I found “remain firm in the face of” (stood up to a strong wind), “pass a test” (stood up to close examination), and “rise for a purpose” (stood up to dance). I confess I can’t make any of these definitions work.

Nor do I know what this sign means:

Returning to the OED, I read that uncompromising means “not willing to seek compromise,” “stiff,” “stubborn,” and “unbending.” Okay, the signwriter is touting a style and quality that will not change. But what sort of style and quality does the product have? If it’s an ugly style or a poor quality, most people would prefer a little compromise. I would, and in that spirit, I welcome alternative interpretations of these signs and of the style and quality of this post.