Category Archives: Snarky Remarks on Grammar

Picky observations on grammar and writing style

Food Options?

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The title of this post is a question because, well, these menu items are questionable. First up is a sign my granddaughter spotted. Check out the second-to-last line in the first column:

For the record, the topping we chose for our pizza was Cheese, not Grandma. We prefer not to eat relatives.

Nor did I order the last beverage on this menu:

I can put up with lousy tea if I’m really thirsty, but I draw the line at one louse. No LICED TEA for me!

If a judge grants me immunity from prosecution, I’ll eat this sandwich:

Side point: What does RELISH or an ONION have to do to be CRIMINALIZED? And where are offenders incarcerated? In a secure pantry?

I hope there’s no immunity for anyone who prepares or buys this sandwich:

The most benign interpretation of this label is that the Beagle acts as a serving platter, trotting to your table with neatly arrayed strips of meat on its fur. Surely the Health Department would object? A shudder-inducing possibility is that the Beagle is a component of the meal. In that case, send in a squad of Animal Welfare Officers, stat! Then let the rescued dogs frolic here:

Even if they weigh less than 25 lbs, dogs deserve some fun. So do you, and I hope you had some reading this post.

Artistic License

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I was on the way to my accountant’s office (tax time, don’t you love it?) when this sign stopped me cold:

Is the building bragging or warning? I didn’t know and had no way to find out. So too with this sign, which I spotted in Madrid:

Translated, this sign proclaims “GROUP ZERO” in pink and “POETRY AND PSYCHOANALYSIS” in smaller, black lettering. The illustration seems to promise a Freudian experience, but where does poetry come in?

I bet whoever created this sign would answer, “Everywhere!”

Somehow Poetry Alouders, with or without an exclamation point, sounds more joyous than “Open Mic.” Plus, if you read the pink letters aloud, you hear the homonym allowed, which makes a better statement than this ad does:

Perhaps this landlord should have a chat with the ARTIST RESIDING IN BUILDING. Fear of art, as well as fear of nearly anything, tends to dissipate with human connection. And just for the record — artists, shrinks, alouders, and poets are all welcome in my home.

Recommendations

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Today’s post offers recommendations for ordinary people, all levels of government, and the US military. The first is for those seeking entry to this shop:

Should you PUSH or PULL? English generally reads from left to right, so the bi-color message DON’T PULL / PUSH ONLY makes sense. But because the colors create columns, you can also read it as DON’T PUSH / PULL ONLY. I recommend you stand nearby until someone exits. Then simply slip through the open door.

Different store, same problem:

Which takes precedence: the official blue AmX sticker telling you to Push or the green-paper Please DO NOT!!! PUSH THE DOOR? As with the other sign, I recommend you wait for someone else to solve the problem. I also recommend a tax on exclamation points. The first one would be free, with a $10 charge for each additional point. It’s a win-win situation. Either the deficit will plummet or public discourse will calm down. Government officials, are you listening?

Here’s a risky sign I spotted eight years ago. To this day it remains in front of the United Nations:

Obey the wrong sign and you risk a ticket (if you’re lucky) or a crash (if you aren’t). I recommend you park your car and walk.

This recommendation is for the military’s newest branch:

Space Force, we need an investigation into satellites being held above Midtown.

I’d like to end this post on a positive note. Here’s a clear, polite sign sent by my friend Constance:

My final recommendation: send me all the silly signs you spot!

Technical Difficulties

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I’ve been thinking about technical difficulties lately, perhaps because I’ve had a few. When I sat down to write this post an hour ago, for example, Word Press was down. It came back more quickly than my bank account, which went into a tizzy after someone tried to access it fraudulently. No harm done in either case, fortunately. I’m not sure the same is true at this shop:

First of all, this situation is unfair to anyone without a credit card or an item to barter. Second, what’s TECHNICAL about CASH? You put your hand out, someone puts the money in it, and you’re done. Okay, there’s recordkeeping, but are their pencils having TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, too?

This sign, sent by my friend Catherine, has another sort of technical problem:

Granted, it’s not too hard to figure out the identity of the missing letter — though I spent an enjoyable half hour imagining alternatives, such as FIRE DOOD (alternate spelling for the Big Lebowski), FIRE MOOD (blazing? glowing?) and FIRE GOOD (arsonist’s motto). What intrigues me is why just one letter is missing. Do the other letters have more stamina? Did the flames hop from the E in FIRE to the next word? Maybe it’s something about W. That’s one of my initials, but I promise you I didn’t swipe the letter. I can’t vouch for my relatives, though. My best guess is that there were technical difficulties with the glue.

Whoever issued this press release in December 2020 is unlikely to accept a flimsy excuse about technical difficulties. Read it carefully:

Swapping a period for the comma after inaugurated: Now that’s precise editing! The next time I encounter technical difficulties, I want the person who corrected the pool report on my team.

Healthful?

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Shortly after the most candy-full day of the year, it seems appropriate to consider products that are healthful — or rather, products marketed that way. Starting at the top:

Number 1. Okay, I’m interested, but I would like to know the nature of the list this juise man tops. Every cart on the Upper West Side corner where he sells a smoothie that is all natural no sugar no milk? Every cart in the city (or world or universe)? The smoothie itself sounds healthful enough, though again I’d like more information. Lots of unhealthful things are all natural — uranium, for example.

This sign’s from Seattle:

How does one know, exactly, whether bees are happy? From the buzz? Antenna motion? Do NW bees smile? I admit I know nothing about bees‘ moods, but I would have thought they’d be unhappy if someone swiped their honey. Maybe there’s a profit-sharing plan.

Same supermarket, different product:

Plant-Based sounds nutritious, doesn’t it? But I have to ask: Is there a non-Plant-Based Pizza? Made on, say, cardboard or steak?

Last sign, courtesy of my brother-in-law:

Good to know that there isn’t even one Vegan in this Gel. Or perhaps the Gel is Free to any random Vegan passing the salon?

As always, theories welcome. See what you can come up with as you nibble away at your Halloween candy.

Dates

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I keep both an electronic and a paper calendar. That’s a bad system, because I sometimes forget to enter an event on one of them and commit myself to existing in two places at the same time. Thus I’m sympathetic to anyone who messes up a schedule — within limits. These signs definitely do NOT fall within those limits.

Whoever wrote this sign didn’t memorize the “Thirty days hath September, April, June, and November” jingle that I learned in elementary school.

Note to self (on both calendars): Avoid this street every September 31st.

This sign, posted in London, has a similar problem:

I thought the longest night of the year was December 21st, the winter solstice, but apparently it’s 29 Septermeber, which has 3 nights tucked into one date. Or perhaps the road closing begins on 29 Septermeber and lasts until Septermeber 31?

Moving from days to weeks:

There may be Only One NYC RESTAURANT WEEK because that week lasts for a very long time.

This advertisement, which I found in a catalog, stumps me:

I can’t make the numbers add up. From 1983 to 2023, I count 40 YEARS. So far, so good. But how does that connect to aptly named 1963 — a date plastered on all the clothing? Maybe the jackets are half as large as they should be (half of the 40-year span of A WINDPROOF, WATERPROOF LEGEND)? Theories welcome, as long as you send them in before the deadline, which is next September (Septermeber) 31st.

Golden Oldies

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“Okay Boomer,” said my teenaged granddaughter to her dad one day, teasing him with the verbal equivalent of an eye roll. Informed that an actual Boomer (me) was sitting next to her, she responded, “Yeah, but Gran’s cool. Well, not cool, but for her age she’s really cool.” Best. Compliment. Ever.

I’m not fond of the term Boomer, which makes me think of oil wells and large tubas, but I’d rather have that label than some others applied to my age group. Golden Ager implies the best of all possible eras, and that’s unlikely when so many phone calls with my peers include what one has dubbed the “organ recital”: a list of the new body-part doctors we’ve acquired and the ailments they’re treating. Nor do I like the expression older people. As a grammarian, I’m obliged to ask, “Older than whom?” and wait for someone to complete the comparison. I’m okay with being called elderly, though I’d prefer to be known as an elder, a term implying that I’ve learned something valuable during my years on the planet. I’m also okay with old. That’s just accurate.

The term I really hate is senior citizen. I’ve been a teacher my entire adult life. School is my default context. If I’m a senior, what am I graduating to?

I mention all this because today is my birthday. A complete complement of candles would burn down the house, but I’ll take a symbolic, celebratory few. That seems the right way to mark this step on the path. As for terminology, this sign gave me the answer:

Where there are Minors, there must be Majors. That’s me, folks. Major, cool-for-my-age Woods.

Making Headlines

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First let me acknowledge that journalism is a tough profession. Readers scrutinize every word, which the journalist had maybe two minutes to write, looking for a “gotcha” moment. For this reason, I focus most of my snark on signs, which generally aren’t written on deadline. But sometimes I can’t resist. Take a look at this headline:

I cropped the photo, but I assure you all the words are there. All the words that appeared on the screen, that is. I don’t know what left him on read means, but then again I never did understand politicians.

A student alerted me to this gem:

Babies have greeted the world in lots of surprising places: subway platforms, hotel lobbies, the back seat of taxis . . . but Princess Eugenie appears to have done something unique by giving birth on the red carpet. Oops. On rereading, I see that Eugenie is not unique at all. Sister Princess Beatrice was giving birth there also. That red carpet must have been a bit crowded.

A friend sent me this one a while ago. It continues to puzzle me:

In case you’re wondering, JWST is the “James Webb Space Telescope.” I’m wondering whether there are galaxies of any age that aren’t in the universe. If so, where are they? I invite astrophysicists to comment. Actually, I invite everyone to comment on any of these headlines. And if you create or appear in a headline someday, I wish you clarity and charity.

Human — Nature

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The relationship between humans and Nature is fraught at the best of times — times we are certainly not in, as this summer’s storms, wildfires, and heat waves make abundantly clear. Yet we humans hold fast to the illusion of control:

You can fence off a lawn, as the NYC Parks Department did, thereby limiting but not eliminating human access. (The day I snapped this photo, several people had hopped the sagging fence.) But the lawn itself can’t be closed. Somewhere under those beige blades are roots, which are open for business until Mother Nature decides otherwise. Also, the word renovation implies a plan that Nature will follow. That’s an idea in need of renovation.

Another Parks Department sign:

What’s a passive lawn? One that doesn’t photosynthesize? Also, what does an active lawn do? Are any sports truly inactive? (Feel free to post answers.)

Better signs focus on human behavior, as this one from Seattle’s Woodland Park Zoo does:

Wisely, the zookeepers aren’t telling the porcupine how to behave. Instead, the sign addresses any humans dumb enough to consider reaching for a quill.

Same zoo, another message for human visitors:

Not only the wolves would be grateful for compliance: I prefer not to stand next to a howling person. How about you?

Close, But No Cigar

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Back in the we-didn’t-know-tobacco-causes-cancer era, many traveling carnivals offered cigars as prizes. Near misses garnered only a sympathetic statement, “Close, but no cigar.” I can’t say I blame the carnival workers. In my business (grammar), close isn’t good enough either. Witness this sign, which my granddaughter spotted:

I’m ignoring the substitution of U for “you.” Shortened texting forms are conquering the language, and, to borrow a phrase from Star Trek, resistance is futile. But CLOSE is an actual word, with an actual meaning that doesn’t match the sign’s intended message. CLOSE or far away — who cares where the storekeeper is? Shoppers simply want a place that’s open.

Alaska Airlines posted this card on a breakfast buffet:

I’ll pause for a moment so you can imagine my impassioned rant about apostrophes inappropriately tasked with making a word plural. All done? Good, because I want to talk about vowels, specifically the A that’s missing from Rosted (Roasted) and the E that doesn’t appear in Potato’s, which should, of course, be Potatoes. Alaska Airlines, if I proofread your signs, will you give me free flights?

Not just a letter but a whole word went AWOL from this sign:

IT’S TIME TO what YOUR EVENTS? To forget about, ignore, run screaming from, enjoy? And what is a SEMI-PRIVATE? Does Hallmark make a card for that?

Last one:

Note to the signwriter: Good job on the apostrophe in WE’RE. Not so good on WALKIN!! Two exclamation points do not a complete word make, even when they’re gold and pink. I’ll end this post now so you can picture what SPECIAL WALKIN!! looks like. In my mind’s eye, it’s a cross between an amble and a strut. Or perhaps it’s something different. Whether I’m correct or just close, don’t bother offering me a cigar!