Tag Archives: English usage

Job Hunting

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Looking for work? Perhaps one of the jobs mentioned in these signs is for you. This one, for example:

I’ve never met any Costumers, if that word refers to professionals who sew outfits that turn you into someone or something else. I have met a lot of people wearing costumes. Do they count as costumers? Both groups, I imagine, would appreciate the opportunity to have their very own restroom, though it might be a bit crowded around Halloween.

Maybe you’d like a job in this grocery store:

What does a miner mine in a supermarket? Or Is the store participating in the construction (actually, constrction, as the sign spells it) of miners? I don’t want a job here, but I would like one of those metal hats with a lamp attached. (If any costumers are reading this, please get in touch.)

I don’t want to neglect nonhuman readers. (Chat GPT, this may be of interest to you!) Here’s a caption from a recent New York Times article:

The print is small, so I’ll retype the caption here: “Machines could help ease a caregiving crisis in Italy, where many prefer to live with their aging relatives.” I wonder which aging relatives the machines prefer to live with: eight-track tape players? The Italian equivalent of Radio Shack computers? A 1910 Alfa Romeo? Not to get too English-teachery, but pronouns do need antecedents, and many is no exception.

This one is straightforward. Sexist, but straightforward:

Whether you’re spending time with machine families or humans (costumers, miners, pizza people), I hope you enjoyed this post. And if you didn’t, we apologies!

Your Guess Is as Good as Mine

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What’s clear in a writer’s head is not necessarily clear in readers’ minds. This truth I learned the hard way during my first year of teaching, when I directed students to “answer true or false” on a pop quiz. Not a few wrote true or false after every question. With this episode in mind, I sympathize with these sign writers. No doubt they thought their meaning was obvious. It isn’t.

First up is this sign, which I spotted in a restaurant window:

I won’t even speculate about the meaning of dishrealated. I’d rather focus on intolerance issue. If the chefs indeed have a solution for intolerance, I hope they share the recipe. The world needs as many servings as possible, STAT.

The world might need this product, too:

Um . . . I know the product has SEED in it, with Detox is the goal. The words in the green band mean . . . well, I don’t know what they mean! Frankly, I find this sign a little scary.

One last puzzle:

Are those quotation marks equivalent to a wink and a nod signalling that “officially there’s NO PARKING but you can park here anyway”? Or is the writer attempting to emphasize NO? And where does HAZARD fit in? Is there NO PARKING HAZARD?

Because your guesses are as good as mine, I hope you’ll share them with me in the comments.

And the winner is . . .

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This being awards season, I thought I’d structure today’s post as a contest. Which sign wins your vote for “most nonsensical”?

The first contestant is an offer:

WE BUY . . . CASH and TURN it INTO CA$H). Interesting concept — almost as strange as trying to TURN YOUR OLD BOY FRIENDS into CA$H. I suggest changing BOY FRIENDS to BOYFRIEND’S, thereby averting arrest by more than the grammar cops.

The next sign could win an illogic contest:

I can understand (sort of) how you can Shop for something that’s FREE. But why would you have to Save to have enough money to pay nothing?

This book cover, sent by my friend Ellie, is another strong contender:

Read this book if you want to know where to go on a date with, say, a two-story bungalow or a skyscraper. I do have one question: Is there a Tinder for the brick-and-mortar crowd?

My vote goes to this sign, which graces the door of a nearby food shop:

How can a CHICKEN, FREE RANGE or not, be HARVESTED? Scratch that question: I’m not sure I want to know! A similar sign appears inside the store, where photos are not allowed. It touts lamb, which, the sign declares, was also HATCHED, RAISED, & HARVESTED IN THE USA. Are lambs HATCHED from giant Easter eggs? Asking for a friend.

Select your favorite and, better yet, send me photos of other signs that make you smile.

Restaurant Reviews

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Hungry? You might try these restaurants (or not). First up is a shocking sign I spotted a few blocks from my apartment:

I wasn’t shocked at the pairing of SNACKS and VAPES. Legend has it that people get the munchies” when they vape. But I couldn’t imagine what would qualify as EXOTIC SNACKS in New York City, where just about every cuisine is not only available but ubiquitous.

Then I noticed this sign, sent by my friend Terena:

Now that’s an EXOTIC SNACK (and a generous dietary limit)! I think I’ll avoid this restaurant, as well as the restaurant displaying the sign below, sent by my friend Sean:

No word on Yelp about any of these businesses. To me, that’s a good sign.

Opening and Closing Thoughts

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This sign popped up between Delta and Omicron (Pandemic Standard Time):

I get the exhilaration of this business and many others as they celebrated the return of walk-in customers. I’m not sure I get why this shop is back open — either word alone would deliver the message — but I won’t quibble. Joy all around.

I do wonder about signs not related to pandemic restrictions. Why do so many stores feel the need to declare themselves open or closed? Lights on, people inside, door ajar = open. Dim, dusty interior without humans = closed. It’s obvious.

Which is why this sign, spotted by my friend Catherine, puzzles me:

“Good for you,” I thought when I saw this. “I’m happy that you opened. Any plans for what you’re going to do now? Sell something, perhaps?”

This sign was standing near the door of a local restaurant:

“Nice that you opened for LUNCH,” I thought, “but that information doesn’t help me if I want, say, dinner.” I would have gone inside to inquire, but the restaurant was closed. At lunchtime.

Another closing:

I didn’t know a water fountain could be closed, temporarily or not. Then again, I didn’t think you could close this either:

Does Mother Nature know?

My thoughts on this topic are now closed, but I reserve the right to bring them back open.

Small

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In the food world lately, the smaller the better — or at least that’s what many signs imply. Here’s one I spotted at a farmers’ market:

I guess single-herd is supposed to hint at greater quality control, but for me the message is overriden by the thought of a herd of salami.

If there’s a stampede, maybe some of the salami would end up here:

I posted this photo a few years ago, commenting on the price increase signalled by adding PE to SHOP. Now I’m thinking about NEIGHBORHOOD. Can outsiders shop (or shoppe) here? Does the owner sell only to locals?

Onward to a coffee bar:

I understand the flavor advantage of “freshly roasted” beans, but small-batch puzzles me. A batch of any size can be botched. In a big batch, the odds improve that you’ll end up with at least a few good beans.

Then there’s this label:

I wonder what the label-maker thinks handcrafted adds. Is the term supposed to hint that a chef carefully slices the fish and tends the barbeque? What I think handcrafted adds is about two dollars a pound. I bought the product anyway, not because I avoid “machine-crafted” food but because the fish looked delicious. (It was.)

That’s it for today from my small, local blog, which is also handcrafted. I do all my own typing.

An Attentive Pedestrian

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Readers with sharp eyes and a keen sense of humor often send me photos of signs they’ve spotted around the city. These are from Constance, an attentive pedestrian whose witty observations brightened my day.

First up is this gem:

Should wheelchair users head in the opposite direction or move backwards in the direction indicated by the arrow?

Now to the river:

The caption on the sign is rather small, so I’ll reproduce it here: “For your safety please keep to the right.” Are pedestrians expected to balance on the railing or dive off the walkway? And how does either option enhance your safety?

Onward to a shopping district:

Is this sign the reason I see so many discarded masks on the sidewalk? Can a mask, or a mask-wearer, sue for being denied entry?

Have these muddled messages given you a headache? If so, this sign will probably not help:

How far away is the Pharmacy when it’s not on lunch break?

Please feel free to send me your answers, along with photos of silly signs you’ve encountered.

Goodbye, 2022

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My last post of the year, written during this busy holiday/winter-storm/school-vacation season. First up is a cafe menu. Pay attention to the third-to-last line:

CAESAR CONTAINS NUTS, does he? What a clever way to indicate that power corrupts! Or maybe it’s an indictment of Nero, Julius, Augustus, and other CAESARS?

Next is a message from a dry-cleaning shop. It’s a poor quality photo, so I’ll reproduce the words: BUSINESS IS MOVING FROM JUNE TO A NEW PLACE.

A NEW PLACE? Like July or October? What was wrong with JUNE? Too many weddings and graduations?

Now to Seatac Airport in Seattle:

It took me two days to decode this sentence, partly because I lose my mind when I’m traveling and partly because there’s a missing comma. I kept reading the message as FIRE ELEVATORS, a noncombustible (and most likely nonexistent) subset of ELEVATORS. I think we can all agree that IN CASE OF FIRE, signs with instantly obvious instructions are preferable. (With that in mind, I’d be happy to proofread this airline’s signs in exchange for a free trip. If you’re an executive with Alaska Airlines, leave a comment and I’ll get back to you.)

Finally, a van parked on my block:

Wouldn’t it be nice to hire this company for the stock market? The economy could use a BOOM right around now.

BOOM or not, I wish you a peaceful, joyful, healthy 2023.

Traffic Jam on the Information Highway

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Signs and labels are supposed to offer information, but sometimes the message doesn’t reach its destination. Take a look at this ice cream container I bought recently:

I admit I’d never given much thought to where the cherries in Cherry Vanilla ice cream came from until I read this label’s proud claim to country-harvested fruit. Ever loyal to my urban home, I hesitated before dropping the package into my cart, wondering whether I should search for ice cream made with city-harvested cherries. Unfortunately, Second Avenue is not rife with orchards. Even Orchard Street on the Lower East Side is treeless these days. So I bought the product, reasoning that the label’s reference to vanilla and cherry flavor with other natural flavors and cherry pieces implies more lab-harvesting than anything else, and the lab could indeed be in my home city.

Onward to Broadway, courtesy of my friend Orli:

As Orli pointed out, the construction of this sentence depicts Audra McDonald as packed with suspense. Anyone who’s ever seen her perform knows that Ms. McDonald is packed with talent, which no amount of suspense can replace. I, for one, plan to buy a ticket.

Now to the front door of a medical office:

Verbally granted access? Um … okay, if you say so ( and you literally must, according to this sign). Yet I can’t help wondering what other type of granted access doesn’t measure up at this location. Are buzzers banned? If I enter through the door an exiting, silent patient holds open, will I be thrown out?

As always, theories welcome. And as we approach whatever wave of the pandemic is next, I hope you stay safe!

Light-Hearted Questions

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Holiday season is upon us, so I’m assuming that you, like me, need an antidote to the tension that comes with it. Hence this post of silly signs and light-hearted questions about them.

First up is this earnest appeal:

Questions: Is the sign-poster a fan of knocks or a hater of bells? Is it so difficult to ring the bell that customers have to be warned about attempting to do so? Does anyone attempting to ring the bell fail?

Next is this command, posted on a fence:

Questions: How many people, in a city where theft is not unknown, simply lean or tie their bikes? And how does one post a bike? Why doesn’t the sign mention “park,” “lock,” or “chain” — what bike riders in New York generally do with their vehicles?

Now to the gym:

Questions: What goals could 1 have? To grow up to 2? To find a soulmate and become 11? To add some muscle and reach 10 or 100? And how does one — er, I mean 1 — refine those goals?

Last up is this sign:

Questions: How do you drop off a shoe shine? Can people pick up what they dropped off, or is the shoe (or pair or shoe shine) gone forever? Has there been an increase in shoelessness around this shop?

After enjoying (or at least surviving) your Thanksgiving meal, feel free to send me answers.