Category Archives: Snarky Remarks on Grammar

Picky observations on grammar and writing style

Paging Captain Obvious

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Normally I post confusing signs, but today I turn to those that are clear. So clear that they’re unnecessary! Here’s an example:

The first three lines of this NYC bus-stop sign give the destinations of three routes. So far, so good. But take a look at the fourth line. Pick Up/Drop Off Only. What else are you going to do at a bus stop? Move in?

Now for a label:

Be sure to buy these instead of a shower cap that KEEPS HAIR WET.

I support the sentiment, but not the word choice, of the next sign:

COLLABORATING TOGETHER? Is COLLABORATING separately an option? (Side point: Could we all agree that the WORLD is always CHANGING? I admit I’d like non-change at times, but that choice isn’t on the menu.)

Last one:

When I saw this headline, I wondered whether Succeeding to Succeed was possible. I concluded that The New York Times is Failing to Succeed in word choice.

I hope you enjoyed these lapalissades — the term for an obvious truth. I learned this true fact (which is a lapalissade) by googling Captain Obvious. What a wonderful language we speak!

Say Wath?

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The title of this post isn’t a typo. It’s a reaction to a sign I saw recently:

I don’t know WATH a COFFEE with a BOTTOM is, but I do know that someone should have proofread the sign before placing it on the sidewalk. Ditto for this one:

I’m ignoring the quotation marks around include. (Seriously, though, why would anyone enclose include in quotation marks? Forget I asked! I just remembered I’m ignoring!) Instead, I direct your attention to the next bullet point, 30 min message. A message from whom? About what? Thirty minutes makes for a lengthy message, but it’s a decent amount of time for a “massage.”

One more:

GARBADGE caught my eye first, perhaps in a moment of nostalgia for my Girl Scout days, when I earned quite a few badges. But the part of this sign that most interests me is FROM THE RESTAURANT. I still can’t figure out whether THIS SPACE is FROM THE RESTAURANT (which, grammatically, is the correct interpretation) or the GARBADGE CONTAINERS are FROM THE RESTAURANT. I guess either/both could work better than the sign, which was posted a few feet above several overflowing GARBADGE bins. I may go into THE RESTAURANT and ask, after I stop for a COFFEE with a BOTTOM and a 30 min message. You’re welcome to join me!

Body Parts

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I’m hoping the proofreader was napping when the headlines and signs in this post got the final okay, because if they’re accurate, somebody better call the Board of Health.

First up is a coronation-week special:

I believe even the most ardent anti-monarchist would agree that Charles’ bowels are off limits. The phrase this headline writer aspired to is “shot across the bows,” which arose from the 18th century practice of firing a warning shot over the fore-end of ship, not the nether end of a king.

More horrifying is this label, sent by my friend Terena:

Epic auto-correct fail? Cannibalism? You decide.

Onward to this confusing, but harmless, awning:

I stood in front of this store for a while, trying to decide which of my feet is the back one. Quadruped customers don’t have this problem.

Presumably this shop takes care of any body part:

I didn’t go in. I have no desire to Relive Stress. Once was enough! Nor do I want to Pour my Digestion out. I may ask for help with my foot (the back one), which is sore because of Over Use in Jares. (Say it aloud and it makes sense: in jah rees — “injuries.”)

Until next time, take care of all your body parts. And proofread!

Sizing Up

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How do you choose your food? I consider nutrition, taste, and price, but judging from these postings, people who sell shrimp and olives believe that size is the most important factor. Take a look at this offer:

Colossal? The dictionary definition of colossal is “vast in size, amount, extent, or scope.” Not the ideal term for a shellfish you can pick up with a salad fork. To be fair, I should mention that shrimp sizing begins with tiny and progresses through degrees of small and medium before hitting oxymoron status with large and jumbo, arriving eventually at colossal and then super- and extra-colossal. And here I was thinking that all those stories linking fishing and exaggeration were a baseless attack on fishermen! And fisherwomen. All fisherpeople, in fact.

Shrimp are small fry compared to olives. Here’s a chart I snagged from the internet:

I won’t comment on MAMMOUTH except to say that it would be a great name for a snarky extinct mammal. Nor will I discuss SOUPER, a word that makes me wonder whether anyone puts olives in, say, clam chowder. I will direct your attention to the extremities of the olive scale: BULLETS and ATLAS. Which would you rather eat? I prefer BRILLIANT and SUPERIOR, in hopes that I’ll become what I eat.

One more (non-edible) size for your consideration:

This isn’t the clearest photo, so I’ll reproduce the last two lines here:

3. 10″ foot massage

4. 10″ shoulder massage

If you have a 10″ [inch] foot or shoulder, this salon is for you. Otherwise, you’ll have to content yourself with a mani-pedi for $60. That’s not a colossal deal, but it’s not tiny either. Enjoy!

Job Hunting

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Looking for work? Perhaps one of the jobs mentioned in these signs is for you. This one, for example:

I’ve never met any Costumers, if that word refers to professionals who sew outfits that turn you into someone or something else. I have met a lot of people wearing costumes. Do they count as costumers? Both groups, I imagine, would appreciate the opportunity to have their very own restroom, though it might be a bit crowded around Halloween.

Maybe you’d like a job in this grocery store:

What does a miner mine in a supermarket? Or Is the store participating in the construction (actually, constrction, as the sign spells it) of miners? I don’t want a job here, but I would like one of those metal hats with a lamp attached. (If any costumers are reading this, please get in touch.)

I don’t want to neglect nonhuman readers. (Chat GPT, this may be of interest to you!) Here’s a caption from a recent New York Times article:

The print is small, so I’ll retype the caption here: “Machines could help ease a caregiving crisis in Italy, where many prefer to live with their aging relatives.” I wonder which aging relatives the machines prefer to live with: eight-track tape players? The Italian equivalent of Radio Shack computers? A 1910 Alfa Romeo? Not to get too English-teachery, but pronouns do need antecedents, and many is no exception.

This one is straightforward. Sexist, but straightforward:

Whether you’re spending time with machine families or humans (costumers, miners, pizza people), I hope you enjoyed this post. And if you didn’t, we apologies!

Your Guess Is as Good as Mine

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What’s clear in a writer’s head is not necessarily clear in readers’ minds. This truth I learned the hard way during my first year of teaching, when I directed students to “answer true or false” on a pop quiz. Not a few wrote true or false after every question. With this episode in mind, I sympathize with these sign writers. No doubt they thought their meaning was obvious. It isn’t.

First up is this sign, which I spotted in a restaurant window:

I won’t even speculate about the meaning of dishrealated. I’d rather focus on intolerance issue. If the chefs indeed have a solution for intolerance, I hope they share the recipe. The world needs as many servings as possible, STAT.

The world might need this product, too:

Um . . . I know the product has SEED in it, with Detox is the goal. The words in the green band mean . . . well, I don’t know what they mean! Frankly, I find this sign a little scary.

One last puzzle:

Are those quotation marks equivalent to a wink and a nod signalling that “officially there’s NO PARKING but you can park here anyway”? Or is the writer attempting to emphasize NO? And where does HAZARD fit in? Is there NO PARKING HAZARD?

Because your guesses are as good as mine, I hope you’ll share them with me in the comments.

And the winner is . . .

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This being awards season, I thought I’d structure today’s post as a contest. Which sign wins your vote for “most nonsensical”?

The first contestant is an offer:

WE BUY . . . CASH and TURN it INTO CA$H). Interesting concept — almost as strange as trying to TURN YOUR OLD BOY FRIENDS into CA$H. I suggest changing BOY FRIENDS to BOYFRIEND’S, thereby averting arrest by more than the grammar cops.

The next sign could win an illogic contest:

I can understand (sort of) how you can Shop for something that’s FREE. But why would you have to Save to have enough money to pay nothing?

This book cover, sent by my friend Ellie, is another strong contender:

Read this book if you want to know where to go on a date with, say, a two-story bungalow or a skyscraper. I do have one question: Is there a Tinder for the brick-and-mortar crowd?

My vote goes to this sign, which graces the door of a nearby food shop:

How can a CHICKEN, FREE RANGE or not, be HARVESTED? Scratch that question: I’m not sure I want to know! A similar sign appears inside the store, where photos are not allowed. It touts lamb, which, the sign declares, was also HATCHED, RAISED, & HARVESTED IN THE USA. Are lambs HATCHED from giant Easter eggs? Asking for a friend.

Select your favorite and, better yet, send me photos of other signs that make you smile.

Small

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In the food world lately, the smaller the better — or at least that’s what many signs imply. Here’s one I spotted at a farmers’ market:

I guess single-herd is supposed to hint at greater quality control, but for me the message is overriden by the thought of a herd of salami.

If there’s a stampede, maybe some of the salami would end up here:

I posted this photo a few years ago, commenting on the price increase signalled by adding PE to SHOP. Now I’m thinking about NEIGHBORHOOD. Can outsiders shop (or shoppe) here? Does the owner sell only to locals?

Onward to a coffee bar:

I understand the flavor advantage of “freshly roasted” beans, but small-batch puzzles me. A batch of any size can be botched. In a big batch, the odds improve that you’ll end up with at least a few good beans.

Then there’s this label:

I wonder what the label-maker thinks handcrafted adds. Is the term supposed to hint that a chef carefully slices the fish and tends the barbeque? What I think handcrafted adds is about two dollars a pound. I bought the product anyway, not because I avoid “machine-crafted” food but because the fish looked delicious. (It was.)

That’s it for today from my small, local blog, which is also handcrafted. I do all my own typing.

An Attentive Pedestrian

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Readers with sharp eyes and a keen sense of humor often send me photos of signs they’ve spotted around the city. These are from Constance, an attentive pedestrian whose witty observations brightened my day.

First up is this gem:

Should wheelchair users head in the opposite direction or move backwards in the direction indicated by the arrow?

Now to the river:

The caption on the sign is rather small, so I’ll reproduce it here: “For your safety please keep to the right.” Are pedestrians expected to balance on the railing or dive off the walkway? And how does either option enhance your safety?

Onward to a shopping district:

Is this sign the reason I see so many discarded masks on the sidewalk? Can a mask, or a mask-wearer, sue for being denied entry?

Have these muddled messages given you a headache? If so, this sign will probably not help:

How far away is the Pharmacy when it’s not on lunch break?

Please feel free to send me your answers, along with photos of silly signs you’ve encountered.

Goodbye, 2022

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My last post of the year, written during this busy holiday/winter-storm/school-vacation season. First up is a cafe menu. Pay attention to the third-to-last line:

CAESAR CONTAINS NUTS, does he? What a clever way to indicate that power corrupts! Or maybe it’s an indictment of Nero, Julius, Augustus, and other CAESARS?

Next is a message from a dry-cleaning shop. It’s a poor quality photo, so I’ll reproduce the words: BUSINESS IS MOVING FROM JUNE TO A NEW PLACE.

A NEW PLACE? Like July or October? What was wrong with JUNE? Too many weddings and graduations?

Now to Seatac Airport in Seattle:

It took me two days to decode this sentence, partly because I lose my mind when I’m traveling and partly because there’s a missing comma. I kept reading the message as FIRE ELEVATORS, a noncombustible (and most likely nonexistent) subset of ELEVATORS. I think we can all agree that IN CASE OF FIRE, signs with instantly obvious instructions are preferable. (With that in mind, I’d be happy to proofread this airline’s signs in exchange for a free trip. If you’re an executive with Alaska Airlines, leave a comment and I’ll get back to you.)

Finally, a van parked on my block:

Wouldn’t it be nice to hire this company for the stock market? The economy could use a BOOM right around now.

BOOM or not, I wish you a peaceful, joyful, healthy 2023.