I generally read labels only when there’s an outbreak of food-borne illness or when I’m shopping for someone with an allergy. I probably should pay more attention, because labels can be fertile ground for my brand of snark.

Take a look at this product, which I bought in my local supermarket solely because I wanted to snap a photo and clicking without buying seemed unfair:

To me, WILD implies “wilderness.” Thus I assumed the packager wanted me to think that this veggie hadn’t been harvested from a farm. The joke was on me, though, because according to Google, there are two types of ARUGULA. WILD ARUGULA has broader leaves than ARUGULA. Fortunately for me, I liked the salad. Even more fortunately, while I ate it I had fun picturing someone chasing WILD ARUGULA with a net.

This label provides better (WILDER?) material for snarkiness:

The expression wild crafted (which strictly speaking should be hyphenated) seems to contradict itself. If it’s wild, it wasn’t created in a factory or a lab. But crafted implies shaping. I guess you could craft in the German Black Forest, but then the label should be “crafted from wild ingredients.” Before I move on, I have to point out that a skin-care system isn’t Born; it’s made. And is anyone marketing a complete system of skin care that is designed NOT to work?

That’s enough wilderness. Moving closer to home is this sign:

Is the store selling only one BAGEL? Do they turn away someone in search of breakfast for a large family or a single teenager? The phrase ON PREMISES sounds good, I grant you. Anything emerging from an oven, even a single BAGEL, is pretty FRESH if the oven is in the store — ON the PREMISES. I inserted “the” because that’s how the phrase usually appears. Without “the” my mind turns to a different meaning of PREMISES: “assumptions.” I bet the assumption behind this BAGEL label is that customers will pay more if they think a BAGEL is local, not baked in a corporate facility far, far away.

Last one:

This shop owner wants to corner the “support local businesses” market. No problem! I do that myself. But green? Most of the baked goods I buy are tan or brown or iced, though I have seen un-iced green bagels on St. Patrick’s Day. Somehow I don’t think that’s the meaning here. I bet it’s “be virtuous and pay a little more because this bakery is environmentally friendly.” What “environmentally friendly” means in the context of baked goods is beyond me.

I’ll think about that while I stalk some WILD ARUGULA. If you have a theory, let me know.